Lesson Seven: Growing Up Problems

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Chapter 1

The Five-Step Approach

"Perhaps the greatest social service that can be rendered by anybody to the country and to mankind is to bring up a family."
—George Bernard Shaw

Congratulations! You have completed the first half of your journey to effective discipline. You have succeeded in establishing a good theoretical foundation of information about effective discipline. Now it is time to put your new knowledge to use and apply it to real discipline problems.

In the next six lessons, you will be presented with a series of discipline problems that commonly occur at home. I was tempted to arrange the problems according to the ages at which they are most likely to occur. Then, after thinking about that for a while, I decided on a less chronological approach. While certain problems do tend to occur at specific ages, that doesn’t always hold true. Take bedtime, for instance. You might think that this problem could be handled by simply explaining how it would best be solved with toddlers. Then I thought about a friend of mine who can’t get her teenage daughter to even consider bedtime before one o'clock in the morning. I think that a more general approach is better.

In this lesson, we will deal with the problems of growing up. For some children, these problems occur early in their childhood and then disappear as they mature. No matter when they occur, however, the problems of growing up can be very bothersome to parents.

Each of the problems will be examined following a five-step approach. Following is a description of those steps and what each will entail:

1. The Problem
   In this first step, I will describe the problem.
   
   
2. Problem Analysis
   In this step, I will analyze the problem in terms of who is doing what and why. Many times it is just as important to look at what the parent is doing as it is to look at the child’s actions. In this step, I will also analyze the problem in terms of basic needs: What need is the child attempting to fulfill, and how can this need be fulfilled without causing a problem?
   
   
3. Rules and Outcomes
   So far, what has been the rule, and what has been the outcome? Does the rule need to be changed? Does the outcome need to be changed?
   
   
4. Solutions
   There are always many solutions to a particular problem. In this step, one or more solutions will be proposed that will meet both the child’s and the parent’s needs.
   
   
5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   This step will look at what the parent could do to avoid similar problems in the future. In some cases, suggestions will be presented for ways to build a more trusting relationship between the parent and the child.

For instance, following you will find an example of how this format will work. The problem involves video games and homework.

1. The Problem
   Patricia has a son, Mark, who is crazy about video games. He is a very accomplished player and gets great joy by “reaching the next level.” Patricia and Mark have agreed that he cannot play video games until his homework is finished. She thought that he was abiding by the rule, until Mark brought home a grade report with a note about messy homework that was “obviously done in haste.”
   
   
2. Problem Analysis
   Mark is rushing through his homework so he can play his video games. Mark’s need for fun is interfering with his responsibility to do his best job with his homework. His need for freedom also comes into play because he wants to do what he wants to do rather than what he should be doing.
   
   
3. Rules and Outcomes
   The rule in place calls for Mark to finish his homework before he can play his video game. The positive outcome is being able to play the games.
   
   
4. Solutions
   Rather than just changing the rule or outcome and presenting it to Mark, it would be better if Patricia sat down with him and discussed the problem. Patricia should point out why homework is an important part of Mark’s education. She should explain that the plan is not for him just to get his homework done, but to do it in a responsible manner. Here Patricia needs to explain what a responsible manner is: neatly written or typed, spelling or calculation errors checked for, complete, and with evidence that some thought and effort has gone into it. If he balks at this, Patricia could offer to help him get started for the first couple of nights. Once Mark has agreed to the definition of homework responsibly completed, a new plan should be put into effect. Namely, Mark can play video games after his homework is completed responsibly. To make sure that they both are working with the same understanding of what completed responsibly is, Mark will show Patricia his completed homework for the first week before playing video games. If Mark does a good job with his homework that first week, further checking might not be necessary. If the homework is still not right after a week, it is time to revise the plan.

Another solution to the problem would be to institute mandatory homework time. With this option, Patricia and Mark would negotiate and set a time for homework each day. Patricia might even talk with the teacher(s) to see how much homework Mark should be doing each night. The length of the mandatory homework time is negotiable. Mandatory homework time itself is not negotiable. During mandatory homework time, there is no television, video game, radio, telephone, or other distractions. The child’s focus is totally on homework. If he finishes his homework before the mandatory period is up, then he can study or read for the balance of the time. Homework is checked each day for a week and then occasionally thereafter. If Mark observes mandatory homework time and does a good, complete job on his work, he can play the video game. The use of a mandatory amount of time for homework eliminates the temptation to speed through the work to get to the video game.

Both of the above solutions are win-win. Patricia wins because the homework is completed properly. Mark wins because he still gets to play his video games. A win-lose solution involves Patricia saying something like, “Okay, Mark, your teacher says that you are not doing a good job on your homework. So, no video games for two weeks. You will spend all of your time after school for two weeks, making sure that your homework is done right.” Patricia wins because the homework gets done. Mark loses because he is punished with a two-week loss of video privileges. What has Mark learned in the process? Has he learned about doing a better job on his homework? No. Has he learned that acting responsibly can bring positive outcomes? No. The only thing that Mark has learned is that he better not bring home another report card mentioning poorly done homework.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   Recognition and encouragement are very important with homework. Because homework occurs frequently and over a long period of time, it is easy take it for granted. Instead, Patricia should make an effort to recognize Mark’s good work often to let him know that she cares about and appreciates his responsible efforts. If Mark’s homework efforts result in good grades (as they should), then that would be a cause for extra reinforcement by way of a celebration. For instance, Patricia could offer to treat Mark and a couple of his friends to pizza and a movie to celebrate his good work. For this celebration to be effective, it needs to have a surprise extra reward, not something that is promised ahead of time as a bribe. This extra effort on Patricia's part can go a long way toward encouraging Mark to continue his good work.

There are many other solutions to a homework/video-game problem. However, the solution, the end result, is not as important as the process. Has the process that solved the problem taught the child a lesson about responsibility? That is the important question. Remember that you should view every discipline problem as an opportunity not to punish, but to teach your child about responsibility.

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