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Lesson Two: Children Need to Behave
Chapter 5
Needs and Choices
“Having faith in your children does not mean having faith that they will always do the right thing. . . . Having faith in your children means having faith that with your love, support, and the life skills you are teaching, they will grow up to be responsible, caring people.”
—Dr. Jane Nelson
Let’s review what you have learned so far about discipline. Discipline is defined in Webster’s unabridged dictionary as “to inflict suffering on or to penalize for the sake of discipline, regularity, order, or rule; to punish or penalize in any way, often by infliction of extra tasks or loss of privileges.”
Webster’s definition fits the commonly held belief that discipline is something that you do to somebody. You discipline your children.
This historical view of discipline makes sense if you believe that external forces can modify or control human behavior. However, if you believe that motivation comes from within, from a desire to meet internal needs, then a new definition of discipline is in order.
Take a moment to reflect on what you have learned so far. Develop your own definition of discipline, a definition that recognizes that children are internally motivated.
Because it is so often misunderstood, I don’t like to use the word discipline. However, traditionally it is such a significant part of a parent’s vocabulary; therefore, I believe that it would be wrong to try to avoid it. Rather, I’d like to use the word, but in a redefined version.
Compare your definition of discipline with the ones that I have written:
Discipline: Teaching children how to meet their needs while respecting the needs of others
Discipline: Teaching children how to make choices and then accept the consequences of those choices
Discipline: Teaching children that they are in control of their own behavior
In my research, I have not discovered a definition of discipline that I fully embrace. Perhaps this is because behavior experts like Dr. Glasser don’t even use the word. They think it has such negative connotations that its use might suggest it is possible to control the behavior of others.
Once you redefine discipline, other words are affected. For instance, all of a sudden obedience has a lesser role in effective discipline.
We don’t teach children responsibility by demanding obedience.
We teach responsibility by giving children, whenever possible, a choice between at least two acceptable behaviors. This is a very important statement. Let’s look at it more closely.
Whenever possible is important. There are times when giving choices is not appropriate, especially for very young children.
It is not appropriate to give choices when you see your child hurt himself or someone else, putting himself or others in danger, or refusing to do something that he must do (e.g., go to school, play in the yard not the street).
Two acceptable choices means that you are willing to accept either option your child chooses. Here are three examples:
Of course, if you are not willing to negotiate a curfew with your teenager, don’t offer that option. Personally, I have found that, given the chance, my son will impose more-strict boundaries on himself than I would ever suggest.
Here is an example of letting the child choose. Recently, my teenage son chose some pretty irresponsible behavior. My first thought was to immediately ground him for the weekend. However, that Saturday there was an event he had been planning on for weeks. Ah, some parents would say, the perfect punishment.
I listened to my son and asked what he would suggest. He said he knew that what he did was wrong and suggested that if we let him go out that Saturday night, he would ground himself for a month. We agreed.
Two weeks later, my son observed, “You know, Dad, a month’s a long time.” I replied, “Yes, it is.” That was the end of the conversation. He did not complain about being grounded for so long. He couldn’t. It was his choice.
By giving choices, parents are not being authoritarian, nor are they being permissive. They have taken the middle, more reasonable ground. These parents are teaching children to be responsible by giving them some control over their own life rather than demanding obedience.
’s examine obedience and why it is not appropriate in an internal-motivation view of discipline. In The Parent’s Little Book of Lists, Dr. Jane Bluestein identifies some of the dangers in encouraging obedience in children:
Obedient children might have a hard time seeing the connection between their behavior and the consequences of their behavior. Their sense of responsibility may be limited: “He made me do it”; “Everyone else was doing it”; “She started it.”
Obedient children are likely to blame their choices on someone else. They don’t have to take responsibility for their choices (or how their life turns out), because they were just doing what someone else told them to do.
Obedient children might have a hard time functioning in the absence of authority. They lack initiative and would just as soon wait for someone to tell them what to do. They often depend on others to make their choices, simply to impress someone else.
Obedient children might believe that their ability to influence or control their own life depends on their ability to keep others happy, even if doing so inconveniences them, compromises their boundaries or principles, or jeopardizes their safety.
Needless to say, the dangers of encouraging obedience are enough to cause us to rethink the meaning of true discipline.
Demanding obedience is just one of the actions that are detrimental to teaching responsibility. In the next lesson, we will look at other things parents do that can be harmful to children. By learning about what not to do, you will better understand what you can do to encourage children’s appropriate behavior
—Dr. Jane Nelson
Let’s review what you have learned so far about discipline. Discipline is defined in Webster’s unabridged dictionary as “to inflict suffering on or to penalize for the sake of discipline, regularity, order, or rule; to punish or penalize in any way, often by infliction of extra tasks or loss of privileges.”
Webster’s definition fits the commonly held belief that discipline is something that you do to somebody. You discipline your children.
This historical view of discipline makes sense if you believe that external forces can modify or control human behavior. However, if you believe that motivation comes from within, from a desire to meet internal needs, then a new definition of discipline is in order.
Take a moment to reflect on what you have learned so far. Develop your own definition of discipline, a definition that recognizes that children are internally motivated.
Because it is so often misunderstood, I don’t like to use the word discipline. However, traditionally it is such a significant part of a parent’s vocabulary; therefore, I believe that it would be wrong to try to avoid it. Rather, I’d like to use the word, but in a redefined version.
Compare your definition of discipline with the ones that I have written:
Discipline: Teaching children how to meet their needs while respecting the needs of others
Discipline: Teaching children how to make choices and then accept the consequences of those choices
Discipline: Teaching children that they are in control of their own behavior
In my research, I have not discovered a definition of discipline that I fully embrace. Perhaps this is because behavior experts like Dr. Glasser don’t even use the word. They think it has such negative connotations that its use might suggest it is possible to control the behavior of others.
Once you redefine discipline, other words are affected. For instance, all of a sudden obedience has a lesser role in effective discipline.
We don’t teach children responsibility by demanding obedience.
We teach responsibility by giving children, whenever possible, a choice between at least two acceptable behaviors. This is a very important statement. Let’s look at it more closely.
Whenever possible is important. There are times when giving choices is not appropriate, especially for very young children.
It is not appropriate to give choices when you see your child hurt himself or someone else, putting himself or others in danger, or refusing to do something that he must do (e.g., go to school, play in the yard not the street).
Two acceptable choices means that you are willing to accept either option your child chooses. Here are three examples:
- “You need to finish your homework before bedtime. You can do it now or after dinner so long as it is done by nine o’clock.”
- “You need to pick up the clothes in your room. You can do it now or tomorrow before you go out to play.”
- “I need to know what time to expect you home Saturday night. Eleven o'clock works for me. How about you?”
Of course, if you are not willing to negotiate a curfew with your teenager, don’t offer that option. Personally, I have found that, given the chance, my son will impose more-strict boundaries on himself than I would ever suggest.
Here is an example of letting the child choose. Recently, my teenage son chose some pretty irresponsible behavior. My first thought was to immediately ground him for the weekend. However, that Saturday there was an event he had been planning on for weeks. Ah, some parents would say, the perfect punishment.
I listened to my son and asked what he would suggest. He said he knew that what he did was wrong and suggested that if we let him go out that Saturday night, he would ground himself for a month. We agreed.
Two weeks later, my son observed, “You know, Dad, a month’s a long time.” I replied, “Yes, it is.” That was the end of the conversation. He did not complain about being grounded for so long. He couldn’t. It was his choice.
By giving choices, parents are not being authoritarian, nor are they being permissive. They have taken the middle, more reasonable ground. These parents are teaching children to be responsible by giving them some control over their own life rather than demanding obedience.
’s examine obedience and why it is not appropriate in an internal-motivation view of discipline. In The Parent’s Little Book of Lists, Dr. Jane Bluestein identifies some of the dangers in encouraging obedience in children:
Obedient children might have a hard time seeing the connection between their behavior and the consequences of their behavior. Their sense of responsibility may be limited: “He made me do it”; “Everyone else was doing it”; “She started it.”
Obedient children are likely to blame their choices on someone else. They don’t have to take responsibility for their choices (or how their life turns out), because they were just doing what someone else told them to do.Obedient children might have a hard time functioning in the absence of authority. They lack initiative and would just as soon wait for someone to tell them what to do. They often depend on others to make their choices, simply to impress someone else.
Obedient children might believe that their ability to influence or control their own life depends on their ability to keep others happy, even if doing so inconveniences them, compromises their boundaries or principles, or jeopardizes their safety.
Needless to say, the dangers of encouraging obedience are enough to cause us to rethink the meaning of true discipline.
Demanding obedience is just one of the actions that are detrimental to teaching responsibility. In the next lesson, we will look at other things parents do that can be harmful to children. By learning about what not to do, you will better understand what you can do to encourage children’s appropriate behavior
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