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Lesson Two: Children Need to Behave
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Chapter 4
Needs and Discipline Problems
“If you say ‘Do this,’ and your child says ‘No,’ and you say ‘Do this or else,’ and your child says ‘No,’ then you have a problem.”
—Dr. William Glasser
As children mature, they are continually trying new behaviors to satisfy their ever-changing needs. By the time children are in grade school, most of them have decided that their survival needs are being met. So, they turn to their psychological needs.
Let’s look at some common discipline problems and see if we can identify the need that is driving the behavior.
- Two four-year-old siblings fighting over the same toy
- A five-year-old who cries when it is bedtime
- A six-year-old who does not want to go to school and cries all day at school
- A seven-year-old who talks back to you whenever you ask him to do anything
- An eight-year-old teasing a six-year old
- A nine-year-old who goes to her room and pouts for hours if she doesn’t get her way
- A ten-year-old who refuses to stop playing and come in for dinner
- A teenager who continually breaks her curfew when out with her friends
Look over the above eight discipline problems, and think about what needs the child or children might be trying to satisfy with their behavior. There are no right or wrong answers. The objective is just to get you thinking about children's needs and common behaviors and consider how they are linked.
Okay, fair is fair. I’ll share my answers with you. Again, these are not the right answers; these are just my thoughts. See how they compare with yours.
- Two four-year-old siblings fighting over the same toy
My guess is that this is a power struggle. “My needs are more important than your needs.” Or, “I am older, and I should be in control.” Or, “You are older, so you always get your way. It’s my turn!” Of course, if there is crying involved, there is always the need for attention (love and belonging).
- A five-year-old who cries when it is bedtime
This could be a fun need. Watching television is certainly more fun than bed. Or it could be a power need: “You can’t tell me what to do. I’ll show you. I’ll cry.”
- A six-year-old who does not want to go to school and cries all day at school
This could be a number of things. It could be the need for love and belonging. The child doesn’t know anyone at school and feels abandoned, unloved. The crying could be an expression of the pain of loneliness, or it could be a cry for attention. It could also be fear of a new place that is scary. Real fear is possible, and that is a survival need and must be dealt with before trying to reason with the child. If the child is genuinely afraid (other kids are picking on him), then you must first see that this need for safety is met.
- A seven-year-old who talks back to you whenever you ask him to do anything
This, I believe, involves a power struggle. Who is really in charge: the child or the parent? The child is saying, “When I talk back to you, I can make you angry. I can make you lose your temper. I am in control. You are not.”
- An eight-year-old teasing a six-year-old
This could be a belonging-need problem. The older child thinks that the younger sibling is getting more love and attention than she is getting. Therefore, she teases him to prove to herself that she is still better and stronger than he is. She is making up for a deficiency in the love-and-belonging category by focusing on meeting her need for power.
- A nine-year-old who goes to her room and pouts for hours if she doesn’t get her way
Children who pout usually come from homes where children are either pampered or tightly controlled. In either situation, a child's need for power is frustrated. Pampered children pout because they usually get attention this way. Controlled children pout because their need for power is frustrated, and they believe the only way to get their way is to pout, whine, and complain, which gives them a sense of power.
- A ten-year-old who refuses to stop playing and come in for dinner
Defiant children are almost always reacting to an overcontrolling parent. Parents who demand strict obedience to their commands will often find themselves facing a defiant child. The child needs power. Giving the child choices instead of demands will give the child the sense of power and will also result in the desired behavior.
- A teenager who continually breaks her curfew when out with her friends
As I have said, different needs are stronger at different times in your child’s life. In the teenage years, the need for friendship (love and belonging) and the need for freedom are very strong. This teenager’s behavior could be an attempt to satisfy a need for belonging: to be with her friends. It could be an effort to show that she is capable of making decisions about what a fair curfew should be (freedom). It could also be a need for power, a demonstration that she, not her parents, is in control of her own life.
Later, we will look at what to do once you have identified the need that is motivating your child’s behavior. For now, the point is to realize the impact that needs have on behavior.
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