Lesson Two: Children Need to Behave

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Chapter 2

Needs and Behavior

“All behavior is motivated by needs. When facing different options, our choice is determined—consciously or not—by the strongest need.”
—Dr. Jane Bluestein

In this chapter, we will look more closely at how needs and behaviors are linked. As Dr. Bluestein says in the above quotation, all of our behavior is motivated by needs.

To better understand how needs drive behavior, I will give you an example. Shari, a writer of magazine articles, works at home. I recently stopped by to visit her. It was a beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon. Her teenage son was lying out in the backyard catching some rays. I found her husband watching a basketball game on television. Shari is a big basketball fan as well, but she wasn’t there. Shari was upstairs sitting at her computer, working on a new article. I asked her husband if she was working against some deadline. “No,” he responded. ”She just wanted to write.”

Why did Shari choose to spend her Sunday writing? The answer is that writing was more need fulfilling than any of the other options open to her. Her need for power was being met because she got a feeling of accomplishment in writing. Her need for freedom was being met in that she was doing this because she wanted to, not because someone was making her do it. Her need for fun was being satisfied because she enjoyed writing.

Her need for love and belonging, to be downstairs with her family, was no doubt there, but, at the moment, that need was not as strong as the other needs that were being satisfied by working.

Now apply these same principles to yourself. Think about what you are doing right now. Why are you reading this? Which of your own basic needs are being met by this activity?

Is reading this meeting your need for love and belonging? Perhaps your reason for reading this is because of your love for your children and your desire to be closer to them.

Is reading this meeting your need for power and achievement? The answer is most likely yes because you hope to gain new knowledge and skills in the process. By doing this, you will give yourself a feeling of accomplishment.

Is reading this meeting your need for freedom? Perhaps your need for freedom is being frustrated by a lack of knowledge in how to deal with family problems. Dealing with the same problems over and over again is not only frustrating but also very time-consuming. Or maybe you are reading this because it was something you thought was important to do, and having the freedom to exercise that choice felt good.

Is reading this meeting your need for fun? As the author, I certainly hope it is. If you aren’t having fun, then you probably aren’t learning anything and I am not doing a very good job teaching. After all, as Dr. Glasser has said, fun is the genetic reward for learning.

Now let’s apply these same principles to children and behavior.

Consider the following discipline problem, and see if you can determine which of his needs the child is attempting to satisfy with his defiant behavior.

SCENE: It is four o’clock on a Tuesday afternoon, a school day. Andy, a seventh-grader, is outside with the neighbors' kids shooting baskets while his uncompleted homework sits in his room. Not more than twenty minutes ago, his mother told him that he was to stay in his room until his homework was finished. If he disobeyed, there would be no television for two nights. His mother finds him outside and confronts him. There is a heated argument in front of Andy’s friends. Finally, the mom wins, and Andy stalks off to face his homework and two nights without television.

Think about Andy’s behavior. Which of his needs directed him to disobey his mother and go out and play? Remember, Andy’s actions might be directed toward satisfying only one or two of his needs that are the strongest at the time.

Which of his needs do you believe were the strongest?

Was he attempting to fulfill his need for love and belonging?

Was he attempting to fulfill his need for power and achievement?

Was he attempting to fulfill his need for freedom?

Was he attempting to fulfill his need for fun?

A way to analyze Andy’s behavior is to compare the choices that he had. Choice 1: Stay in his room and do his homework. Choice 2: Go out and play with his friends.

Choice 1: Doing his homework.

Love and belonging: By doing his homework, he would have gained his mother’s approval.

Power and achievement: There would be some feeling of accomplishment by completing the homework assignments, but how strong would this have been?

Freedom: If Andy had been given a choice as to when to do the homework, there could have been some freedom satisfaction. However, his mother gave him no choice; therefore, there was probably little freedom fulfillment in doing the homework.

Fun: Unless Andy has a very creative teacher, I doubt that fun would enter into the homework choice.

Choice 2: Playing with his friends.

Love and belonging: This need is definitely being met by choosing to play with friends. Could his need to play with his friends have been stronger than his need to please his mother?

Power and achievement: If Andy is good at basketball, he certainly could satisfy his need for achievement with skillful play. Also, could Andy be meeting a power need by deliberately disobeying his mother?

Freedom: By choosing to play, he is choosing to do what he wants to do, not what someone else wants him to do. Freedom from the control of others is part of the need for freedom.

Fun: By definition, playing basketball with friends is more fun than doing homework assignments.

What do you think? Which needs were stronger? Which needs motivated Andy’s behavior?

This was a hypothetical situation; therefore, there is no real answer. As a matter of fact, as you will see, there are seldom simple, clear answers. However, there are hints, clues, and indications that can help us better understand why children choose certain behaviors. Once we understand this, we can help them by offering alternative choices.

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