Lesson Two: Children Need to Behave
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Chapter 1
Children and Needs
“If children live with criticism,
they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility,
they learn to fight.
If children live with fear,
they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity,
they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule,
they learn to be shy.
If children live with jealousy,
they learn what envy is.
If children live with shame,
they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with tolerance,
they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement,
they learn to be confident.
If children live with praise,
they learn to appreciate.
If children live with approval,
they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance,
they learn to find love in the world.
If children live with recognition,
they learn to have a goal.
If children live with sharing,
they learn to be generous.
If children live with honesty and fairness,
they learn what truth and justice are.
If children live with security,
they learn to have faith in themselves and those around them.
If children live with friendliness,
they learn that the world is a nice place in which to live.
If children live with serenity,
they learn to have a peace of mind.
With what are your children living?”
—Dorothy L. Nolte
The above quotation is titled “Children Learn What They Live.” It might also have been titled “Children Behave the Way They Have Learned.”
We do not come into this world knowing how to behave. As I said in lesson 1, we come into the world with a set of needs. The rest of our life is spent in a struggle to learn how to best meet those needs.
As parents, it is our job to teach children how to behave in a way that can get their needs met with responsible behavior, how to behave so that they get their needs met while not encroaching on the needs of others.
In this lesson, we will examine needs more closely and look at how to go about teaching children how to best meet those needs. We will look at how needs determine both responsible and irresponsible behavior. Finally, we will explore the role that choices play in teaching children about responsibility.
The first thing to realize is that there is no such thing as a good child, nor is there such a thing as a bad child. Children are children. Period. However, some children have learned how to lead need-fulfilling lives without hurting others. As Dorothy Nolte might say, “If they have lives with responsibility, they learn to behave responsibly.”
That sounds like an oversimplification, and it is. It is one thing to say that we need to teach children to be responsible. It is quite another thing to know exactly what to do.
I want to digress for a moment and talk about irresponsible parents. Unfortunately, some children are born into homes where irresponsible behavior is the norm. I am talking about an unloving environment in which children’s needs are either ignored or are met in a negative, destructive manner.
In these negative home environments, emotional or physical punishment controls children’s behavior. Adults in these homes suffer from alcohol or drug abuse and live their life in ways that are harmful both to themselves and others around them.
Does this mean that children of dysfunctional families are condemned to lead irresponsible lives? Happily, the answer is no. Children learn that if they cannot get their needs met at home, they will seek out other places and relationships in an effort to satisfy their basic needs.
Our job then is to provide a home for our children where their needs are met and they learn how to live responsibly. The question remains, how do we do this?
One way that we teach children is by modeling the type of behavior we want our children to learn. Children learn by watching what we do. We can teach them irresponsible behavior as well as responsible behavior.
First, let’s look at what we do not want to do, at ways we teach our children to behave in an irresponsible way. The following list of things you can do to build irresponsibility in your child was adapted from Dr. Jane Bluestein’s The Parent’s Little Book of Lists.
We teach our children to be irresponsible:
When we blame others for our own mistakes.
When we lie because telling the truth may be uncomfortable.
When we don’t return things that we borrow.
When we don’t keep promises or follow through on commitments we have made.
When we spend more money than we can afford to spend.
When we do not say we are sorry when we make a mistake.
When we lose our temper, and yell, and call people names.
When we make excuses for our inappropriate behavior.
When we litter or do not pick up after ourselves.
When we make decisions based on what others may think rather than on what is right or wrong.
When we do not live the values that we ask of our children.
As to what we can do to model appropriate, responsible behavior, I direct you back to the quotation that began this chapter. Read it again, slowly and carefully. I can think of no better way of describing what we as parents can do to help children learn and grow and be happy, caring, and responsible.
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