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Lesson Twelve: We’ll Try Again Tomorrow
Chapter 3
Family Meetings
“If we had to choose only one parenting tool to use, it would be family meetings.”
—Drs. Jane Nelson, Stephen Glenn, and Lynn Lott
I began talking with teachers about discipline problems back in the early 1970s. At that time, Dr. Glasser has just published his groundbreaking book Schools without Failure. One of the techniques that he suggested teachers use to prevent discipline problems was the class meeting. To hold a class meeting, teachers had the children form a circle. This gave everyone an equal position in the room, and everyone could see each other. The teacher would then lead a discussion. There were different types of meetings, including problem solving and open-ended discussions. The rules were simple. Everyone had the right to speak and give his or her thoughts on the subject at hand. The teacher’s role was that of a facilitator. His or her job was to remain nonjudgmental, as to encourage the participation of all children. The children were also instructed to remain nonjudgmental and to listen to and accept what their classmates had to say.
It was not necessary to talk about discipline per se. However, just having the class meetings served to prevent discipline problems. Why was this? The answer lies in the basic needs and how they relate to discipline problems. Disruptive or inappropriate behavior is most often caused by children who are seeking to get their needs met in a negative way because they could not get them met in a positive manner. Class meetings are a very need-fulfilling activity. They meet children's need for power because children get to express their thoughts and feelings, and people listen to what they have to say. Class meetings meet children's need for love and belonging because they are being accepted by their teacher and peers, and they are taking part in an activity with their friends. Class meetings meet children's need for freedom because they are free to choose when to speak and what to say. Class meetings meet the need for fun because they are nonthreatening, challenging, and enjoyable experiences.
Earlier this year, I read an article about a middle school that had a history of serious discipline problems. A new principal came to the school and was determined to turn the tide: reduce discipline problems and encourage appropriate behavior. In just one year, the principal has drastically reduced the number of serious discipline problems. She accomplished this by making just one change in the school routine: to require that every school day begin with a class meeting. That is pretty convincing evidence of the potential of class meetings.
Family meetings have a similar positive potential. Family meetings could be defined as "regular get-togethers in which children have an opportunity to talk and to be listened to in a nonjudgmental setting." Being nonjudgmental is the key to successful meetings. Parents need to give up lectures and control so that children realize and believe that they will be heard and taken seriously.
Some parenting experts recommended that family meetings take place once a week and at a regularly scheduled time. They also recommend that an agenda be posted on the refrigerator so that it is available for everyone to read and add to.
I do not believe that family meetings have to be formally scheduled to be valuable. They could take place informally over dinner or while riding in the car. No matter how they are scheduled or where they take place, however, parents need to be aware that their main role in the meetings is that of a listener rather than a contributor. Of course, parents can and should participate, just so long as participation does not turn into judging.
If someone presents a problem at the meeting, all attendees should brainstorm for solutions. Resist the temptation to offer parental advice. You can give your opinion so long as your opinion has the same weight as your children's. Once various solutions have been explored, selecting one solution can be left to the person who presented the problem. Or, if it was agreed upon ahead of time, a vote could be taken as to what would be the best solution. Even with a vote, however, it would still be up to the person with the problem to decide to accept it or not.
Family meetings can be very powerful. Just allowing a child a chance to voice his or her opinion and express feelings might be enough to inspire a change in behavior. It often takes time for meetings to reach their full potential. For one thing, it will take a while for children to believe that they can actually say what they feel without being put down or criticized.
Family meetings can also be fun activities for the family. I remember a mystery-box meeting that was a favorite of the children at one of Dr. Glasser’s schools. The mystery box is easily adapted to the family meeting and can be a shoebox or another other small container. Each week, the mystery box is entrusted to a member of the family. It is that family member’s job to select some secret item to put into the box. The box is presented at the next meeting, and other members of the family have to determine what is in the box by asking yes-or-no questions. If the item remains a mystery at the end of the meeting, it is revealed to the delight of all. It is a terrific need-fulfilling, trust-building, and fun activity. I highly recommend that you give it a try.
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