Lesson Twelve: We’ll Try Again Tomorrow
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Chapter 2
Putting Ideas Into Action
“Remember the long-range purpose of parenting: to help your children develop healthy self-esteem and the life skills they need to be effective, happy, contributing, and respectful members of the family and society.”
—Dr. Jane Nelson
Throughout this writing, I have tried to offer many different approaches to solving discipline problems. When looking for a solution to a problem, choose something I have suggested, or a combination of suggestions, and make a plan that feels right for you. You know your child best, and only you can decide what approach will be most effective for him or her.
When attempting to find a solution to a problem, you might try using the five-step approach that I utilized here. There are many step-by-step discipline programs, and any or all of them might be helpful. Try using my five steps, adding or subtracting steps as you see fit.
- The Problem
It is usually a good idea to spend a moment or two thinking about the problem. If possible, think of the problem in terms of the behavior that you would like your child to change. The more specific you can be in identifying the problem, the easier it will be to find a solution.
- Rules and Outcomes
If you decide to establish household rules in an attempt to prevent problems, be sure to keep the number as few as possible. Young children will have trouble remembering a large number of rules. Always state the rules in the positive. Avoid rules that start with don’t. Instead of “Don’t yell when you are playing in the house,” use “When you are in the house, play quietly.” And always tie a positive outcome (rather than a penalty) to the rule. Focus on the behavior that you want, not on the behavior that you do not want. If you have a set of rules, review them every now and then, and eliminate the ones that no longer apply.
- Problem Analysis
In analyzing a problem, try starting with the basic needs (i.e., for love, freedom, power, and fun). Determine which of the four basic psychological needs your child is attempting to satisfy with his or her inappropriate behavior. Once the need is identified, you can look for other ways the child can get that need met. This approach is not easy, because at any one time more than one of the needs might be involved. If you can’t identify a specific need (or needs), just remember that all behavior is chosen for a reason—and that reason is not just to drive you crazy. Your child is choosing to misbehave because it is the best way he can figure out to meet his needs at that time. Once you realize that your child’s misbehavior is not aimed toward you, it is easier to stay objective and calm while approaching a solution.
- Solutions
Look for a win-win solution, a solution that gets your needs met as well as your child’s. Win-lose solutions are not solutions at all. They only postpone dealing with the real problem. If you can’t think of a solution, and the problem behavior is not life threatening or destructive, do nothing. Get some distance from the problem. Give yourself a chance to think about the problem calmly, when you are not upset. You need to be in the thinking part of your brain (rather than the emotional part) when seeking a solution. Don’t be afraid to ask your child for input. The worst you will get is “I don’t know.” The best you will get is a solution that works for both of you. Use the key sentences that I covered earlier in this lesson; they can work magic in solving problems.
- Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
The absolute best way to prevent discipline problems is to continue to strengthen your trusting relationship with your child. I have read a good deal about spending quality time with your child. I don’t know what quality time is. Perhaps it is time that is not going to be interrupted by the everyday distractions of life. Perhaps it is time that you spend sharing your own thoughts and feelings and then listening to what your child is thinking or feeling. My hope is that it is the latter. Preventing discipline problems is approaching every single problem as an opportunity to teach rather than to punish. So long as you continue to have your child’s long-term best interests in mind, you will do absolutely fine.
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