Lesson Three: Now You’re Going to Get It!
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Chapter 5
Authoritarian and Permissive Discipline
“The bottom line will always come down to our intention: If our goal is to teach responsibility and self-control, build community and raise kids to be respectful, considerate citizens, we will choose different behaviors than we would if our goal were to exact revenge, cause pain or disempowerment. And corporal punishment will not be among the behaviors we select, no matter how well justified we think we are.”
— Dr. Jane Bluestein
In the next lesson, we’ll begin focusing on the effective actions you can take with your child in teaching responsibility. In concluding this lesson, I want to review and reemphasize what should not be done. This is very important because well-intentioned but misdirected discipline efforts can harm children.
I will summarize both the authoritarian and the permissive approaches, and detail the negative aspects of each. The following is adapted from Dr. Jane Bluestein’s book Twenty-First-Century Discipline, which I highly recommend, especially for those of you who are educators.
The Authoritarian Approach to Discipline
What results from an authoritarian approach?
Parents win. Children lose.
Parents may get their needs met. Children do not get their needs met.
What does the authoritarian approach look like?
Parents are demanding and inflexible.
The payoff for children’s compliance is avoidance of punishment, criticism, humiliation, and put-downs.
Parents deal with the children, not the behavior. Parents equate children’s poor choices with a character flaw (something is wrong with them; they made a bad choice; therefore, they are bad children).
Parents’ basic belief is that children will not do anything right unless they are forced to.
Parents may practice any or all of the following: yelling, controlling, manipulating,
threatening, condemning, criticizing, punishing, or nagging.
Parents make the decisions. Children are seldom, if ever, given choices and the opportunity to make decisions.
What does the authoritarian approach communicate to children?
Parents are the bosses. What they say goes.
Parents know what is best for children.
Parents’ needs are more important than children’s needs.
Parents can have their way because they are bigger and more powerful than children.
What does the authoritarian approach sound like?
“Because I said so.”
“Pick up your toys this instant.”
“Your room looks like a pigsty. Clean it up or else.”
“You make me sick.”
“Why can’t you be like your sister?”
Are their any advantages of the authoritarian approach?
It is supported by tradition (e.g., “It worked for my parents, so it will work for me”).
It may satisfy parents’ needs.
It may achieve short-term compliance.
What are the disadvantages of the authoritarian approach?
It creates obedience and parent dependence.
At best, it generates compliance, not commitment and responsibility.
It may generate resentment or rebellion from children.
It does not teach decision-making or self-managing behavior.
It teaches children to use their own power (bullying, hurting, teasing) to get what they want.
It does not teach cooperation, compromise, or respect for others’ needs.
For the parent, this control-oriented type of relationship can be exhausting, stressful, and frustrating.
The Permissive Approach to Discipline
What results from a permissive approach?
Parents lose. Children win.
Children may get their needs met. Parents do not get their needs met.
What does the permissive approach look like?
Frequently (and incorrectly) seen as the only alternative to an authoritarian approach.
Parents offer freedom with little structure or limits, and expect children to behave responsibly in appreciation.
Parents believe “If my children care enough, they will do it for me.”
Parents are apt to take children’s misbehavior personally.
The permissive approach is inconsistent. Parents minimize their needs at first, and then criticize children for their lack of cooperation.
Parents may offer choices, but only to test their children’s ability to make the “right” choice.
Permissive parents may practice any or all of the following: begging, pleading, nagging, whining, or condemning.
There is little or no distinction between children’s behavior and children’s self-worth.
What does the permissive approach communicate to children?
Children’s needs are more important than parents’ needs.
External approval is more important than self-care.
Choosing behavior because it pleases others is good.
What does the permissive approach sound like?
“Please, will you try to be good for a change?”
“I am so sick of picking up after you.”
“You guys have it so easy.”
“I give up. Do what you want.”
Are there any advantages of the permissive approach?
It may give parents short-term relief. Because the children get their way, they leave parents alone, for a while.
It may work with children who respond to guilt, fear of abandonment, or who are afraid to make decisions without parents’ approval.
What are the disadvantages of the permissive approach?
It reinforces obedience, parent dependence, and the need for external approval.
It generates (if anything) compliance, not commitment.
Because it is an inconsistent, unpredictable (for children) approach, it frustrates a child’s need for power, the need to be in control of his or her own life.
It does not teach responsible decision making, or self-managing behavior.
It teaches children to use helplessness and manipulative behavior to get their needs met.
It does not teach cooperation, negotiation, or respect for the needs of others.
As you look over this fairly extensive list of things that parents should not do, please bear in mind that not one of us is by any means perfect. We all occasionally engage in negative behaviors from time to time. Many times we are overwhelmed by the stress and obligations of family or work, and we let our emotions get the best of us. That’s okay. If you are doing a good job otherwise, an occasional lapse is not going to irreversibly harm your children. They are remarkably resilient.
The objective is not perfection but, more reasonably, progress. The fact that you are reading this says a lot about the type of parent you are. You care about your children, and you want to do the very best job that you can. I'm sure this will help.
Now that you have been thoroughly immersed in the no-no’s of parenthood, it is time to move on to the more-positive side: what parents can do. That is the subject of the next section.
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