Lesson Three: Now You’re Going to Get It!
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Chapter 4
Why Do Parents Keep Doing What Isn’t Working?
“Have you ever gone to bed at night with the following thoughts: ‘What a day! I feel like I did nothing but yell. No wonder the kids think I’m so mean!’ You feel frustrated, guilty, disappointed in yourself. You vow to be more positive tomorrow. For most parents, being less grouchy just turns out to mean being more permissive. They awaken the next day and, in their good intentions, give in places where they, and the kids, need structure and boundaries. They let things slide or say OK to things they would never normally allow. And when their kids start pushing the envelope, as normal kids will when the limits of the envelope aren’t clear or consistent, at some point, a normal parent will have a tolerance break. They end up even more negative (if not ballistic) than they had gone to bed feeling guilty about the night before.”
— Jane Bluestein
Insanity has been defined as "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." If that statement were entirely accurate, I am afraid most parents, including myself, would have been committed to rubber rooms a long time ago.
Why do we continue to do what does not work when it comes to discipline? The answer is that we think it is working.
Threatening or bribing or pleading or punishing can bring short-term compliance. In other words, these actions appear to be effective. When the same misbehavior occurs again, we tend to look at it as an isolated incident and handle it the same way we handled it before.
Parents usually do not see misbehavior in a larger context. If the same inappropriate behavior keeps reoccurring, whatever corrective actions we are taking are not working.
However, reoccurring misbehavior is usually met by the parent with a frustrated outburst of anger: “Didn’t you hear me the last time?” “Why do you insist on teasing your sister every single day?” “You are late again. What is wrong with you?”
"What is wrong with you?" is a very telling question. A parent who asks that question is saying to the child, “This is all your fault. You are a bad person. If there weren't something wrong with you, we would not be having these problems. It is not your behavior that is the problem. You are the problem.”
A very good first step to effective discipline is for parents to look at their own behavior as well as their children’s. Parents should ask themselves, “What can I do differently to help my child change her behavior?” After all, you can control only your own behavior, not your child’s.
There is another reason why some parents continue to do what isn’t working: Because their behavior, no matter how ineffective with children, still meets one or more of the parent’s basic needs. Some parents continue to demand obedience from children, even if they know that approach is not working. Feeling that you have control over your child meets your need for power. Unfortunately, some parents are so starved for power that the only way they can get this need met is at the expense of their children.
Another reason we continue ineffective behavior is because we think we are doing the right thing. For instance, if a child spills a soft drink on the kitchen floor, a logical and proper consequence would be for the child to clean up the spill. However, it is not only what you do; it is how you do it. Here are some parent responses to the spilled milk:
“You better clean that up before I pour you some more soda.”
“Clean that up this instant. Can’t you pay attention to what you are doing?”
“Do you want to clean that up now or wait until you are finished with lunch?”
“How can you be so clumsy? You are just like your little sister! I am not going to clean up after you. You clean it up right now.”
It is a common misbelief that children need to feel bad or suffer to learn from their mistakes. Adding humiliation to the situation turns what the parent is saying into punishment. Emotional punishment is just as painful and just as harmful as physical punishment.
Please think about and take to heart the information in this chapter. We all want to help our children. The last thing we want is to unintentionally hurt them with our discipline efforts.
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