Lesson Three: Now You’re Going to Get It!

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Chapter 3

Why Losing Your Temper Doesn’t Work

“Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.”
—Robert Frost

We teach children through modeling. They learn from what they see us do. When we lose our temper, we lose control. We are letting the emotional part of our brain overtake the rational part. Therefore, we teach children that anger is an appropriate way to deal with a problem. This lesson is counterproductive to teaching responsibility.

Angry responses also disregard children’s needs and feelings. When you lose your temper and yell and scream, children take it personally. Why? Because you are attacking them, not their behavior. With your angry actions, you are saying, “I don’t like you.” This type of communication is not going to make children feel warm and ready to cooperate.

I will borrow a law of physics and apply it here: Every action will cause an equal and opposite reaction. Physics was not one of my strong suits, but I believe that is pretty close. What kind of reaction would you expect your anger to produce in your children? Anger, of course. Two angry people yelling at each other is not likely to end with a positive result.

Also, angry parents sometimes slip into put-downs, name-calling, and other hurtful types of communication. Here is an example:

PARENT: Suzie, you are late for dinner again.

SUZIE: So?

PARENT: So, you want dinner on time, at least you can show me the courtesy of getting home before it is ice-cold.

SUZIE: I didn’t ask you to wait for me.

PARENT:(Now starting to lose control) Wait a minute. This is not about me! This is about you and your inconsiderate behavior, and I have had enough of it!

SUZIE: Hey, I’ve got a life too.

PARENT: (Now yelling) Don’t you talk back to me!

SUZIE: I am just telling you . . .

PARENT: (Interrupting) You don’t tell me anything. I tell you.

SUZIE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

PARENT: You have no respect. You make me sick. Get out of here. You don’t want to be on time for dinner, then you don’t want to eat.

SUZIE: Like I care.

PARENT: (Now totally out of control) Get out! Get out of my sight!
(Suzie leaves with a bit of a satisfied smirk on her face)

Notice the stage direction that I gave Suzie at the end of that little scene: Suzie leaves with a bit of a satisfied smirk on her face. Why did I do that? Look at the scene again, and determine which of the two people is in control of the situation.

Right. Suzie is in control.

Children are much smarter than we given them credit for. I have said that before, and I’ll keep repeating it. It is a lesson that many parents fail to learn. Children can be very manipulative. Even young children know which parent’s buttons to push to get an overreaction.

Why would a child intentionally set off a parent’s anger? Which of the child’s needs could this type of behavior meet? The answer is power. When children are in control of a situation, it satisfies their need for power. This is natural because in that same situation (being faced with an angry parent), their needs for love and belonging, freedom, and fun are certainly not being met.

Put-downs like “You make me sick,” “You’re never going to amount to anything," or “You are disgusting” are very harmful. Put-downs are a form of punishment. They are meant to hurt children emotionally. Hurting children will not make them more responsible.

When you are angry, you are probably also going to be irrational. What you say when you are upset may make no sense at all. This is particularly apparent in the questions that are many times part of an angry exchange. The following is an example:

PARENT: Robert, stop bothering your sister.

(Robert does not respond, nor does he comply)

PARENT: Robert, stop that this minute!

(Robert continues teasing his sister)

PARENT: Robert, how many times do I have to tell you to stop?

What does the parent expect the child to answer? Three times? Four? Even if Robert did answer that question, I doubt that it would satisfy the parent. This type of question makes no sense at all, but it is one that is used over and over again.

Here is an example of another ineffective question:

PARENT: Ellie, your bed is not made.

ELLIE: Uh, so?

PARENT: So why can’t you ever do anything I ask when I ask you to do it?

Now, if Ellie could suppress her emotions, she might respond as follows:

ELLIE: Well, Mother, at the moment you asked me to make my bed, I was watching my favorite television program. My physiological need for fun at that moment superseded my need to comply with your response and thereby gain your approval and satisfy my need for love and belonging. Therefore, I chose to watch television rather than make my bed.

Asking children why they are not doing what they need to do is seldom productive. Many times they don’t know why they did what they did. Therefore, the normal and appropriate response is, “I don’t know.”

To teach children about responsible behavior, both you and your child have to be in a rational state of mind. Losing your temper and getting angry reduces both of you to an emotional level that prevents teaching and learning.

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