Lesson Three: Now You’re Going to Get It!
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Chapter 2
Why Threats Don’t Work
“No use to shout at them to pay attention. If the situations, the materials, the problems before the child do not interest him, his attention will slip off to what does interest him, and no amount of exhortation or threats will bring it back.”
—John Holt
In the previous chapter, I pointed out that threats do not work because they are directed to the emotional center of the brain, and they invite emotional reactions from children rather than teach them about responsibility.
Another reason that they do not work is because if threats are used often enough, children either ignore them or find ways around them. The lesson here is not to underestimate children’s intelligence. They are often smarter than we give them credit for.
To illustrate this point, I offer the following story that I recently ran across on the Internet. I like the story because of its message and because I am particularly fond of duck stories.
Once upon a time, a duck walked into a pet store and asked the owner, "Do you have any duck food?" The owner said, "No." The next day, the duck walked in and asked the owner, "Do you have any duck food?" The owner said, "No, we do not sell duck food." The next day, the duck came back again and asked, "Do you have any duck food?" The owner said, "No, and if you come in here again, I will nail your beak to the wall!" The next day, the duck walked into the store and asked the owner, "Do you have any nails?" The owner replied with confusion, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asked, "Do you have any duck food?"
By the way, there is a reason why I like duck stories. When my first daughter was about three, I asked her if she knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. “Oh, yes, Daddy,” she quickly answered. “I know.” Ah, I thought, already she’s thinking about being a scientist, or teacher, or firefighter, or maybe even a writer like her dad. “What do you want to be?” I asked. With a smile and wide eyes, she replied, “I want to be a duck.” Oh well.
The pet-store owner’s threat didn’t work with the duck. Threats will not work with children either. Threats don’t work for one of two reasons.
One reason is that your children know that you do not intend to follow through on the threat. For instance, “If you are late one more time, you are going to be grounded for the rest of your natural life.” (I think I’ve tried that one.) The threat may serve to get children’s attention but will do little to change their behavior or teach them responsibility.
The threats do not have to be outlandish to fall into the unbelievable category. If you are in the habit of using threats and then not following through, your children will ignore them.
For instance, “Do your homework before five o'clock, or no television tonight.” If there is no follow-through, your children quickly learn to ignore the threat.
The other reason that threats do not work is that they appeal to the emotional part of the brain. When the threat is received, a bad feeling is triggered, which interferes with the rational part of the brain needed for reasoning and responsibility. For instance, “If you say that one more time, you are going to get a whipping!” The child will fear and remember the thought of a whipping but is likely to forget what he is not supposed to say.
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