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Lesson Three: Now You’re Going to Get It!
Chapter 1
Behavior and the Brain
“If we want today’s children to become accountable for what they do and responsible for making something of themselves, we’re going to have to provide them with learning experiences that give their brains enough of the right kind of information to grow on.”
—Douglas Naylor
Now you’re going to get it is normally a threat that adults direct toward children. The use of a threat in the title of this lesson is not inappropriate in that we will examine why threats, among other things, are not effective ways to teach children appropriate behavior.
Now you’re going to get it could also be interpreted as a declarative sentence meaning “now you are going to understand it.” That meaning also has relevance for this lesson. When talking with parents about the secret to effective discipline, I find that many of them finally understand my message when I talk about what parents are not supposed to do.
What you are not supposed to do, what doesn’t work, is the subject of this lesson. Once you know what not to do, you will better understand what you need to do.
To explain the actions you should not take, I need to talk a little about how the brain works.
There are three parts of the brain: the brain stem (the protective brain), the limbic system (the emotional brain), and the cerebral cortex (the rational brain).
The brain stem, the protective brain, serves as our survival system. Its job is to keep us alive. It controls blood pressure, heart rate, respiration, body temperature, and other body functions necessary for our survival. It is also our early-warning defensive system. The protective brain scans information received from the world for anything that might be life threatening. When danger is perceived, it takes over from all other functions of the brain and generates lifesaving behavior. It immediately readies the body for fight or flight.
The limbic system, the emotional brain, is the home of feelings. Its job is to determine whether information being received brings good news, bad news, or nothing news. When the news is good, the limbic system tells us to feel happy, glad, content, or satisfied. When the news is bad, it tells us to feel mad, frustrated, afraid, or worried. The purpose of emotions is to prepare the body for action. Feeling good prepares the body for friendly, cooperative behavior. Feeling bad energizes the body to deal with trouble.
The cerebral cortex, the rational brain, is the home of thinking and learning. It is this part of the brain to which we direct teaching. Here is where incoming information is analyzed, and choices and decisions are made. The rational brain organizes incoming information into meaningful patterns that make life in the real world understandable.
Teaching children about responsible behavior involves learning and choices. Therefore, as parents, we must make sure that what we are teaching children makes it past the protective and emotional parts of the brain and reaches the rational, cerebral cortex. If one of the other lower functions of the brain blocks what we are attempting to teach, our teaching will be ineffective.
I have said earlier that spanking or other forms of physical punishment do not teach responsibility. As soon as you hurt a child, even slightly, you cause the child’s brain to downshift to protective, defensive functioning. The thinking, learning part of the brain is turned off. Any attempt to reason with the child, to give him or her choices from which to learn, will have no effect.
When you are in a highly emotional situation, your body is charged with adrenaline, and you are supersensitive to the world around you. Traumatic experiences are also etched into your memory. If someone hurts you or severely frightens you, you will remember those feelings for a long time. This is the job of the protective brain stem. It wants you to remember what happened, how you reacted, and what you did to survive the situation.
While children in a survival mode cannot make rational decisions, they can still remember. Experiences tied to strong emotions are remembered quite vividly. While you may want to teach a child something about behavior through spanking, the only thing he or she is likely to remember is the spanking itself, not the lesson.
I remember very little about what I was taught in grade school, but I do remember certain incidents. I remember the day when one of my teachers got so angry with us students that she kicked the wastebasket so hard it flew over our heads and crashed into the back wall of the classroom. I remember when one of the school bullies cornered me in the schoolyard and gave me a bloody nose. Fear and pain make firm anchors for memories.
We are also ineffective when our disciplinary efforts are stopped at the emotional brain. If we yell at children or threaten them, their emotional brain says, "This is bad news. This is not a time to feel comfortable and happy. This is a time to be apprehensive, to be worried, to be afraid. This is not a time to be open and cooperative."
When we talk to children about behavior, we do not want a defensive, fight-or-flight reaction. We do not want an emotional, tearful reaction. We want our children to hear what we are saying, to understand, and to remember our message.
Therefore, if we want to teach children responsible behavior, we must do so in ways that do not create fear or cause pain. If we want children to learn, we need to gain their cooperation in the process. We cannot force children to be responsible; it is a path they must choose.
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