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Lesson Six: What To Do When …
Chapter 4
Follow-Through and Negotiation
“What the parties have to realize is that neither of them wants to be, nor will permit themselves to be, a loser. My philosophy of negotiation is that in a successful negotiation everybody wins. Instead of just fighting over a piece of the pie, everybody gets together to make a new pie.”
—Gerard I. Nierenberg (president, Negotiation Institute, Inc.)
Many of the books I have read about children and discipline stress the importance of follow-through. Most often, follow-through is thought of as making sure that you and your child keep your commitments. If you set a positive boundary that states that your child can go out Saturday night if he mows the lawn by Friday, then you have to follow through to make sure the boundary is observed before the positive outcome is allowed.
Follow-through shows children that you are serious and sincere in your boundary setting. Without follow-through, the value of boundary setting goes right out the window. When children are faced with inconsistent boundaries, they will behave only when it is in their best interest to do so. Presenting children with this moving-target approach to boundaries teaches them nothing about responsibility and decision-making. It teaches them to behave when you are paying attention, and to get away with what they can when you are not paying attention.
Follow-through, however, can also apply to situations where a discipline plan is not working. You will know when a plan is not working, because you or your child will become the winner, and the other the loser. If you are the loser, you will know it. If your child is the loser, he or she will make certain that you know it. If this happens, it is time to look at the problem and come up with a new plan to solve it. To accomplish this, you need your child’s cooperation and input. In the words of Mr. Nierenberg, it is time for you and your child to get together to make a new pie.
Let’s look at a typical recurring problem. Imagine you have a son named Jack who has a continuing problem getting his homework done. You have talked with him about the problem, and you both have agreed to the following plan: If Jack gets his homework done by nine o'clock, he can talk with his friends on the telephone for a half-hour between nine and nine-thirty. Even though Jack has agreed to the plan, he does get his homework done but usually not by nine o'clock. Being a conscientious parent, you follow through (as you should) and see to it that if his homework is not done by nine o'clock, he receives no telephone privileges.
Let’s say this situation goes on like this for a couple of weeks. Jack is angry and resentful, even though he agreed to the plan. The plan is not working, because it has become a win-lose instead of a win-win situation. You are winning because Jack is getting his homework finished. Jack is losing because his needs are not getting met.
What would you do as Jack’s parent? You cold change the parameters of the plan, such as telling Jack that he could use the telephone if he got his homework done by nine-fifteen or nine-thirty, but that may or may not solve the problem. The only way to construct a new plan that meets Jack’s needs as well as your own is by talking with him and working out a new plan that will work for both of you. In other words, you need to negotiate with Jack.
Before continuing with the example, let's examine why negotiation is a good approach to solving a problem. Negotiation minimizes power struggles that are the result of win-lose interactions. It also generates a commitment from children, one that greatly increases the likelihood of cooperative behavior. Negotiation allows children to have their side of the story heard. It allows them to express their preferences and desires. Most important, it meets children’s need for power by allowing them control over their life, within the limits you have set together.
Negotiation also teaches children important life skills, those that will be valuable to them in the real world. Negotiating, decision-making, and appreciation for the needs of others will help children succeed in work and in relationships.
Negotiation, however, does not apply to all situations. Some things are not negotiable. You cannot negotiate to meet your child’s wants if they are harmful to others, are illegal, or would create additional problems for someone. For instance, the fact that a teenager may want to have alcohol served at her next party is not negotiable. (By the way, if this did occur, the proper response is not “Are you out of your mind?” Rather, offering another choice would be appropriate: “No, you cannot serve alcohol. What other drinks would you like to have?”)
When you sit down to negotiate with a child, keep these guidelines in mind:
- You need to determine which of your child’s needs is being frustrated by the current situation. You have to find out what he or she wants and is not getting.
- Talk with your child, and brainstorm possible solutions that both of you can agree to.
- Once a solution is reached, clearly define the new boundary and the positive outcome. If a time limit is needed, be sure that it is stated and is part of the agreement.
- Ask your child to recite back to you what he or she has agreed to. This formalizes and confirms your child’s understanding and commitment.
- Be prepared to follow through to make sure the boundary is honored and the positive outcome realized.
Let’s return to our example of Jack’s inability to get his homework done in time to enjoy telephone privileges. Your negotiation with Jack should go something like this:
PARENT: I see that you are having trouble getting your homework done by nine o'clock so you can use the telephone.
JACK: Yeah.
PARENT: Well, you are getting your homework done, and that is good. But I’d like to see you have telephone privileges as well. How could we change our arrangement to make this possible?
JACK: It’s not fair, because sometimes I have more homework, and I can’t get it all done by nine o'clock. I can get it all done by ten o'clock, and then I could talk to my friends.
PARENT: Ten doesn’t work for me.
JACK: Why not? You're not being fair.
PARENT: I want to come up with something that works for both of us. Do you get more homework on certain nights?
JACK: Always on Tuesday and Thursday.
PARENT: Okay, what could we do on those nights differently?
JACK: Give me til ten to get it done.
PARENT: More time is fine, but what do you think your friends' parents would say about you calling after ten at night?
JACK: I guess they wouldn’t like it.
PARENT: Okay, how about starting your homework earlier on Tuesday and Thursday?
JACK: Can’t do it. Basketball practice starts next week, and I’ll get home too late.
PARENT: How about this: On Tuesday and Thursday, you can take a break with your homework from nine to nine-thirty and talk with your friends. But you still have to be in bed by ten.
JACK: That's okay, but what if I have a lot of homework one night?
PARENT: Then you won’t have time to talk with your friends, will you?
JACK: No.
PARENT: I want to be fair. If you get your homework done but miss a night on the telephone once in a while, you can make up that time on the weekends.
JACK: I guess that’s okay.
PARENT: Now, what did we just agree to?
JACK: If homework isn’t done by nine o'clock, I get a telephone break from nine to nine-thirty.
PARENT: Correct, if you can then finish your homework by ten. And if you can’t?
JACK: No telephone.
PARENT: Right. Let’s try this for a couple of weeks. If it works, great. If not, we’ll try something else. Okay?
JACK: Okay.
This seems like a good plan for the parent and Jack, but follow-through remains important. The plan may or may not work. With consistency and follow-through, however, Jack and his parent will get their needs met. The homework will get finished, and Jack will get his need for belonging and friendship met with his telephone time.
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