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Lesson Six: What To Do When …
Chapter 3
Recognition and Reinforcement
“The ability to recognize and reinforce positive behavior is essential to any win-win relationship.”
—Dr. Jane Bluestein
In previous lessons, I warned you about the temptation to use punishment with children, because of its short-term effectiveness. There is also a flip side to this warning: The opposite of punishment is praise, and it is equally as dangerous as punishment. Praise may work for a short period of time, but its long-term effects are harmful.
The problem is not in the praise itself, but how it is normally delivered that causes the problems. If praise were simply the acknowledgment of a job well done, it would be fine. However, praise is almost always tied to a conditional statement. For instance, “I like the way that you did that” ties the value of the job done to the approval of the person giving the praise.
This “I like the way” type of praise is unfortunately used innocently by teachers who believe that they are encouraging appropriate behavior. “I like the way you are sitting” or “I like the effort that you put into this project” says to children that the reason their behavior is worthy of praise is because it pleases the teacher.
Praise is also often used in connection with a comment on the value of the child. “You are such a good boy for cleaning up your room” and “What a good girl you are for thinking of that” are examples of this type of praise. These statements are saying, “You are a good person because I approve of what you did.”
The problem with misused praise is that it causes children to become people-pleasers. They choose behavior not because it is right or wrong, but because it will please the teacher (or the parent). Children who grow up with praise have trouble developing strong self-concepts, because they are totally dependent on the opinions of others. Praise can also cause discipline problems for children who do not want to play the pleasing game. Other children resent and rebel against praise because they can’t compete with children who know how to play the people-pleasing game.
The alternative to praise is encouragement. Encouragement has positive long-term results because it produces self-confidence and self-worth. Encouragement differs from praise in that it does not contain an evaluative or conditional component. “What a great job you did on your homework” and “It is obvious that you worked very hard on that project” are unconditional expressions of encouragement.
Encouragement recognizes a child’s appropriate behavior and the child’s satisfaction derived from that behavior. Encouragement does not describe your feelings. Even though your child’s behavior might be very pleasing to you, your pleasure is not the reason to encourage the child to continue that behavior.
Every opportunity to praise a child’s accomplishments is also an opportunity to offer encouragement. Just remember to focus on the child and the child’s behavior, not on your feelings about that behavior. Focus on your child’s needs, not on your own. Encouragement that focuses solely on the accomplishment of children meets their need for power and builds the confidence that they need in order to think for themselves and make decisions.
Praise can also be harmful when it is insincere or sarcastic. This is, by far, the most harmful version of praise and can produce immediate negative results. “Well, it is about time you cleaned up your room” and “Look at you, home one whole minute before your curfew” are examples of this very harmful use of praise.
For points to remember about recognizing and encouraging appropriate behavior, I turn again to Dr. Bluestein’s The Parent's Little Book of Lists. The following points to remember about reinforcing positive behavior are adapted from that book.
Guidelines for Encouraging Appropriate Behavior
Watch out for the tendency to focus on what your child is doing wrong. Deliberately look for what your child is doing right. (It is easier to recognize and reinforce positive behavior when you start noticing it.)
Resist judging or connecting your child’s worth to an accomplishment. Instead of saying, “You are good because you made the honor roll,” say this: “All right! You made the honor roll! I know how hard you worked for that. Congratulations.”
Use a two-step technique to recognize a behavior without tying it to your feelings. First, describe the positive behavior without judging the worth of your child (e.g., “I see that you got the car home on time"; “Way to go! You got all of your chores done”). Second, if possible and appropriate, tell the child how the positive behavior pays off for the child (e.g., “You can use the car again next weekend"; “Now you can go outside and play”). Doing so helps the child tie positive outcomes to appropriate behavior.
Recognize appropriate behavior after it has happened. Resist the temptation to manipulate your child into behaving. “You’ve shown me that you are a very responsible person, and I am sure that you will continue to clean up your room the way you did today” is not as effective as waiting until the child continues the behavior and then acknowledging it.
Don’t recognize someone else’s behavior in an effort to motivate your child to do the same. “Your cousin always writes thank-you notes right away” and “Other kids are not afraid of ghosts” will cause only resentment, inadequacy, and competitiveness.
Avoid using your conditional approval as encouragement. Comments like “I am so happy that you did your homework” or “I love you when you get good grades” suggest that you won’t feel this way otherwise, that your happiness and love depend upon your child doing these things.
Avoid presuming how your child feels, should feel, or must feel as a result of the accomplishment (e.g., “You must feel proud of . . .” or “You should feel happy because . . .”). The experience may have an entirely different value to the child.
Don’t give compliments as a way of introducing a complaint (e.g., “You really improved in English. Too bad you’re not doing so well in math”).
As behaviors become more internalized and automatic, they will also self-reinforce. The need for your reinforcement diminishes, but acknowledge the positive behavior anyhow. It’s always nice to have your good efforts recognized and appreciated.
Self-confidence and self-esteem result when children feel in control of their own life. Positive reinforcement can contribute to this when it is sincere and does not make a value judgment about the child. Children know when your positive comments are genuine, and this builds a trusting parent-child relationship. This trusting relationship will greatly increase the effectiveness of your efforts to teach your child responsible behavior.
Your use of encouragement and your proper responses to your child’s misbehavior will go a long way toward preventing discipline problems. However, when misbehavior occurs, and it will occur, you have to stick to your discipline and follow through with it. Follow-through is an essential part of teaching responsibility and is the subject of the next chapter.
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