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Lesson Six: What To Do When …
Chapter 1
Dangerous or Destructive Behavior
“To end the discipline war, it is imperative to stay out of power struggles and create an atmosphere where the long-term effects for both children and adults are mutual respect, responsibility, discipline, and cooperation in solving problems.”
—Dr. Jane Nelson
In the previous lesson, you learned how to create a discipline plan with rules for appropriate behavior and positive boundaries. Children can choose to act appropriately and responsibly, follow your rules, and enjoy the positive outcomes. Or they can choose not to follow the rules and instead forgo the positive outcomes. The question is, what should the parent do in either situation? In other words, what do you do when the child does this or that?
The answer to those questions is the subject of this lesson.
In chapter 2, you will learn about actions parents need to take when children choose to break rules. In chapter 3, you will learn about the reinforcing actions parents should take when children choose to act responsibly. Then, in chapter 4, you will learn more about the art of negotiation and the role it can play in teaching children decision-making skills.
Let’s examine the options open to parents when they observe a child who is choosing inappropriate behavior. When you see your child misbehaving, first ask yourself, “Is the behavior dangerous or destructive?” If the answer is yes, you have no choice: You must immediately intervene to stop the behavior. If the answer is no, you have another set of options from which to choose.
First, let’s look at misbehavior that is either destructive or dangerous.
For instance, if you see your child throwing rocks at your neighbor’s window, you will want to stop that behavior before discussing alternative behaviors. Or, if you see your child playing in the street, you need to get the child to safety first and worry about discipline and responsibility later.
However, once you have stopped the destructive behavior or have removed your child from a dangerous situation, you must take further action to prevent the future occurrence of the problem.
The very first thing you should do is call for a time-out. This time-out is for you more than it is for the child. While the child may or may not be emotionally upset, you no doubt will be. This is not the time to talk rationally to your child. You can try counting to ten, but that may not be sufficient time for your blood pressure to return to something close to normal. A better option would be to tell your child that you will talk to him or her later about what happened. Then, at a time when you and your child have calmed down, talk about what happened.
If there was already a rule in place, the child must accept the negative outcome for not following the rule. For instance, suppose the rule was you can play outside so long as you play in the front yard, on the grass, and not near or in the street. (Note: The rule is clear because playing outside is defined.) You would then talk about why the rule is important and then explain that playing outside will not be permitted for the rest of the week, but he or she can try again next week. If the child is quite young, then one day not being allowed outside may be sufficient. Here is where you need to use your own judgment.
If there was no rule in place, it is time to establish one. Talk with the child, and explain why a rule about playing in the yard and not in the street is important. You will not have a problem getting the child to understand the importance of a rule that is meant to keep him or her from harm. Then set the rule, and define exactly where outside it is acceptable to play. Then tie a positive outcome to the rule (e.g., if the child follows the rule, he or she can continue to play outside with friends).
If there was no rule and negative outcome in place, imposing a punishment is not appropriate. Remember that you might expect your child to know that playing in the street is not acceptable, but expectations are yours alone and have nothing to do with the child. Therefore, punishment in this case would be applying a surprise rule that the child had not agreed to and would be imposing a surprise punishment that the child did not know about. If you punish the child, it is likely that he or she will remember the punishment much more clearly than what he or she was supposed to do. Also, the objective is not to punish the child for inappropriate behavior; the objective is to teach the child about appropriate, responsible behavior. If a rule is not in place, see it as an opportunity to teach, not an opportunity to punish.
In the next chapter, we will examine what actions you can take if the misbehavior is neither dangerous nor destructive.
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