Lesson Seven: Growing Up Problems

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Chapter 5

Effective Parenting

“I was confident that I had the caring, the patience, and the persistence to be a good parent and handle all discipline problems in a loving, constructive manner. Then I had children and everything changed.”
—Anonymous

In their book Discipline without Shouting or Spanking, Dr. Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell state that in order to adequately manage the problems of children's behavior, the parents of those children need to become more disciplined (where discipline is defined as "a teaching-learning process that leads to orderliness and self-control"). The authors go on to suggest that parents need to become disciplined parents before their children will become disciplined. I mention this here because parents must continually remind themselves that the goal is not to control their children’s behavior. The goal must be to teach children how to behave.

In the above-mentioned book, the authors suggest seven steps that parents can take toward disciplined parenting:

1. Decide on the specific behavior you would like your child to change.
   If you avoid dealing in generalities, your discipline efforts will be much more effective. If you want your child to keep her room neat, you better decide just exactly what you mean by neat.
   
   
2. Tell your child exactly what you want him to do, and show him how to do it.
   If you want your child to ask nicely instead of whining, explain exactly to him what nicely means. If you want your child to clean up her room before she goes out to play, explain what clean up means: bed made, dirty clothes in the hamper, dirty dishes and glasses taken to the kitchen, dresser drawers closed, toys in the toy box, books on the shelves, pencils and paper in the drawers, and so forth. If you do not explain what you mean, chances are that cleaning up the room will become a problem.
3. Recognize your child’s good behavior.
   Don’t praise the child; praise what the child is doing. "Thank you for sitting so quietly” is much better than “You are a good girl for sitting so quietly.”
   
   
4. Continue to recognize a child’s good behavior.
   If you want the child to continue acting responsibly, you have to continue your recognition and encouragement efforts. Simply praising a child’s good work the first time that he follows a rule is probably not going to be enough to keep the good behavior going. If you want children to keep up the good work, tell them so.
   
   
5. Avoid power struggles with your children.
   This is accomplished naturally when you avoid controlling statements such as “Stop that whining this very instant!” Rather, presenting choices and boundaries with positive outcomes will have much better results and will avoid confrontations.
   
   
6. Avoid being a historian.
   Let bygones be bygones; don’t keep bringing up past misdeeds. If you constantly remind children of their past mistakes, it will cause only anger and resentment. You can’t change the past, and you can hope for only a better future. The only thing that you can positively influence is the present.
   
   
7. Be there.
   Give your children the attention that they need and deserve. Be there for them when they are upset. Be there to guide them when they are undecided or uncertain. Be there for them when they just need a smile and a hug.

Following these steps will not prevent or solve all discipline problems. But they are steps that parents can take toward changing their own behavior in order to positively influence their children’s behavior.

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