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Lesson Seven: Growing Up Problems
Chapter 4
Whining and Crying
“Children need permission to cry. Crying is a healthy outlet. They should know that feeling upset, or overwhelmed, and releasing such feelings by crying is very permissible and understandable. It is only when kids use this method over and over as the only outlet for frustration that parents need to help the child get in control.”
—Dr. Don Fleming
Both whining and crying can be attempts by children to get their needs met. I have included them in the same chapter because whining is many times a precursor to crying. Like temper tantrums, whining and crying are children’s attempts to deal with frustration.
In addition to frustration, crying can occur for other reasons. If children are hurt, frightened, or confused, they might cry. For infants, of course, crying is the only way they know to communicate their needs and feelings.
Children choose whining because they have found it an effective way to get their needs met. It is born of the philosophy “If I do this long enough, eventually I am going to get my way.” Whining is a child’s attempt to wear down parents’ patience. Like temper tantrums, the more it works, the more children will use it.
- The Problem
Jessica is a whiner and a crier. It has reached the point where she seldom asks for anything in a normal tone of voice. First comes the whining. Then, if she doesn't get what she wants, the crying starts. Her parents have threatened her and punished her, but the whining and crying continues. The only way to get her to be quiet is to give her what she wants. Her parents have resigned themselves to this solution, rationalizing that she’ll eventually grow out of it.
- Problem Analysis
Crying is a natural behavior for children who are hurt or frightened. Crying to get their way is a learned behavior. Whining is a totally learned behavior. Children are not born knowing how to whine in order to get their needs met. - Rules and Outcomes
As with temper tantrums, rules and outcomes are not applicable. Telling children not to cry or whine will be just as ineffective as telling them not to throw a tantrum.
- Solutions
Before talking with children about their whining, it is a good idea to first make sure that they know exactly what whining means. The parents could sit down with Jessica and explain how she can get what she wants without whining. For instance, they could say to Jessica, “If you want a snack, I will be happy to get it for you if you ask for it nicely without whining. This is how asking nicely sounds: 'Mommy, may I please have something to eat?'" Depending on Jessica’s age, the parents could ask her to practice asking for something nicely. If you want to encourage appropriate behavior, you are going to have to teach that behavior to the child. - Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
All children need unconditional love and acceptance. It may be that your child is more sensitive than you are. Accept that difference, and tell your child that you love him or her for who he or she is. If you have more than one child, you will quickly see that they react differently to the same situation. Never compare one sibling to another. This is discouraging, hurtful, and disrespectful.
Punishing whining or crying can actually encourage children to continue these behaviors. If children want attention badly enough, they will prefer punishment to no attention at all.
By this time, you might have noticed that the need for attention is a recurring theme in discipline problems. For children, their basic needs for love, belonging, attention, and friendship are by far the most important needs. When analyzing any discipline problem, you will do well to first analyze the problem in terms of a child’s need for attention. More times than not, teaching children how to gain your attention in an appropriate manner will solve many discipline problems.
Another solution that works for both crying and whining is to create a crying and whining place. If the crying and whining continue after Jessica has been taught the proper way to ask for something, her parents could tell her that if she feels that she needs to cry or whine, she can go to the crying and whining place. Jessica’s parents are not telling her that she is a bad person for whining or that she is going to be punished for crying. They are saying that if she feels she needs these behaviors to cope with her feelings, there is a place for her to go. The parents would say, “Jessica, I can see that you are upset. You can go to the crying place and come back when you feel better.” This gives Jessica the responsibility of deciding when she is ready to return.
Whining, like tantrums, is an attempt to get attention. Instead of giving children that attention by punishing them, tell them that you love them but cannot stand the whining. Tell them that if they whine, you will leave the room. You will come back as soon as they have stopped whining and are ready to talk about what they want. Parents have to follow through and leave the room every time that the child whines. Also, every time they stop whining, the parent needs to sit down with them and listen to their concerns and needs. Your kind, firm actions will teach the child that there are better ways to get your attention than by whining.
Active listening is another technique that can help with crying. Active listening means looking past the crying and telling children that you understand how they feel. Active-listening statements include “You really feel angry about this” and “I can see that this has upset you.”
Never tell children to stop their crying or call them names like crybaby. With statements such as this, you are telling the child that he or she is bad, rather than that their behavior is bad.
When your child cries, your first (and correct) instinct is to see if he or she is hurt or scared. If that is the case, do not hesitate to give the understanding, attention, and caring he or she needs to get through the experience. There is no worse feeling than being abandoned in a time of real need.
Instead of waiting for crying and whining to become a problem and create the need for a crying or whining place, consider helping your child put together a special comfort spot. Some experts call this place a positive time-out area. This comfort spot should be a place your child enjoys going to. It could have pillows, his or her blanket, favorite toys, stuffed animals, or whatever makes the child feel comfortable. Then when you see your child beginning to get upset or starting to whimper, ask if he or she would like to go to the comfort spot. Let it be the child’s choice. You can offer to go with him or her, but this technique works only if it is the child’s choice to go there. Dr. Jane Bluestein writes about children’s need for emotional safety. Part of that need is having a place to go when they are upset and need to cry. This is another way parents can affirm children's right to have feelings and to be upset.
As you work your way through whining and crying problems, remember that this will not last forever. Children go through good times and bad times. Don’t get frustrated and stop your good efforts. By all means, do not stop recognizing and encouraging children when you see them being patient or asking for something in a polite, proper manner.
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