Lesson Seven: Growing Up Problems

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Chapter 2

Bedtime Battles

“Going to bed is no fun! What child likes to go to bed? In the child's mind, going to bed means missing out on whatever else is going on in the rest of the house. And to make it worse, they don’t even get a vote in the matter.”
—Dr. Todd Cartmell

Believe it or not, children are not born with an overpowering urge to resist going to bed, nor are children resisting your bedtime instructions just to annoy you. Children resist bedtime because it is natural, normal, and, at that moment, very need-fulfilling.

For young children, the most important of their basic needs is for love and belonging. They do not want to be alone. They want to be with someone—preferably, you. Many parents take children’s resistance at bedtime as defiance, as an act against them. Nothing is further from the truth. Children resist bedtime because they love you, and they want to be with you.

Let’s examine a typical problematic situation to learn more about why bedtime becomes a problem and what can be done to solve it.

1. The Problem
   Maddy is a nice kid and usually is very well behaved and happy. The rule in place is that Maddy has to be in bed by eight o'clock. Maddy knows the rule but is not following it. First of all, Maddy is great at coming up with delaying tactics. She’ll do anything to keep from going into the bedroom: She's hungry; she’s thirsty; she has to go to the bathroom; she’s dirty and wants a bath; it’s too early; her favorite television program is on. You name it, and she has tried it. Then, when she is in the bedroom, another series of problems arise: She wants a blue nightgown, not a pink one; she wants one more story; the room is too cold or too hot or too light or too dark. And then, when her parents finally throw up their hands and yell at her to get to sleep or else, she starts screaming. Some version of this scenario takes place every night. What are the parents to do?
   
   
2. Problem Analysis
   As I said before, it is Maddy’s need for love and belonging that is driving her desire to stay up. Her need for fun could also be a factor-especially if the rest of the house is filled with noises of other members of the family having fun. It is obvious from the problem description that this problem has been going on for some time. In the course of the bedtime battles, Maddy has learned what has worked that will keep her away from the sandman.

To understand how Maddy has learned this behavior, we need to look at what the parents have done so far. If Maddy is continuing her delaying tactics (e.g., asking for food, drink, a bath, etc.), it means that these tactics have been successful in the past. In other words, the parents have given in. If she ends up crying every night, it probably means that the parents have felt sorry for her and have gone to her to offer comfort, give her a back rub, calm her down, sing to her, or whatever to get her to go to sleep. This extra attention is a powerful motivator, even if the parents give in only some of the time. Inconsistency can make problems worse. To learn responsibility, children need order and predictability.

3. Rules and Outcomes
   The rule in place is simply for Maddy to be in bed by eight o'clock. There is no positive outcome tied to her following the rule. Therefore, there is really nothing to motivate her to follow the rule.
   
   
4. Solutions
   First of all, going to bed at a certain hour is something that children have to learn. The only thing that they know naturally or instinctively is to go to sleep when they are tired. Therefore, most children will have some problem learning to put themselves to sleep. If you deal with the situation in a thoughtful, caring manner, the child will eventually learn how to handle bedtime.

The first thing that the parents should do is revisit the bedtime rule. The actual time is probably not the real problem. Changing to eight-fifteen or eight-thirty is not going to help. However, tying the rule to a positive, need-fulfilling outcome would be a positive step. For instance, the parents could tell Maddy that if she is in her pajamas and ready for bed at quarter of eight, they will read her two stories instead of one, or five chapters instead of three, or something a little extra. Giving Maddy more attention for getting ready for bed will meet her need for love and belonging. Her parents' recognition and encouragement when Maddy follows the rule will also satisfy this need.

Another approach that the parents could take would be to establish a calming bedtime routine that is both enjoyable and predictable. The more the parents are part of this routine, the better. The routine could include a snack, a drink, brushing teeth, saying prayers, reading a story, singing a song, or any other activity that is fun and calming. Even though the parents will be spending some extra time with Maddy before bedtime, they are going save time by not having to deal with delaying tactics.

When setting up a pre-bedtime routine, start with the time you want the child in bed, and then work backward to determine when to start the routine. Having children involved in setting the routine can be very effective. They can make charts or draw pictures to post on bedroom doors.

Some parents make a game out of getting ready for bed. For example, in the game Beat the Clock, a timer is set and the child has to get through all of the bedtime routines before a timer goes off. This works for some children who need a little exercise before bed. However, it may not work for other children who get so involved in rushing to beat the clock that they are wide-awake by the end of the game.

Bedtime is also an opportunity to offer choices (e.g., “Which story would you like me to read tonight?”). With older children, you can give them a limited choice about what time to go to bed.

If Maddy complains that her older brother gets to stay up later, the parents should tell her that it is okay for her to be upset, but it is not okay for her to stay up later.

Some parents define bedtime as children being in their rooms but not necessarily asleep. All children are different, and some like to play or read before they go to sleep. Just letting the child go to sleep when they think they are ready could solve bedtime battles.

Now, Maddy’s parents could try all of the above suggestions, and Maddy could still try to manipulate some extra attention or time out of bed. However—and this is the hard part for parents—bedtime is not a negotiable item. If they give Maddy lots of love and attention during the pre-bedtime routine (as well as in other parts of the day), she will not be traumatized by learning that she needs to be in bed by a certain time. If she continues to test the parents, they should stay calm and simply tell Maddy that it is bedtime. This is not the time to yell at her or give her a time-out. Maddy needs to learn that her parents will treat her with respect but will not give in to her efforts to manipulate them. Children need to learn that they will not always get what they want, that it is okay to feel upset about it, and that they will live through it.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   Establishing a bedtime routine is perhaps the best preventative step that parents can take to avoid bedtime hassles. In setting up the routine, resist the temptation to add rewards (bribes) to the activity. "If you do this, I will give you this” is not going to teach children about self-reliance. Children are also not going to learn about responsibility if punishment is attached to the routines. “If you are not ready for bed by eight o'clock, you will go to bed fifteen minutes earlier tomorrow” is only going to teach children to go to bed to avoid punishment.

Some parents find that taking a few minutes before bedtime to talk with their child about the events of the day is very rewarding. Here's a great question: “What is the best thing that happened to you today?” It is also a great time for parents to share something about their day with their children. This is a terrific relationship-building and need-fulfilling activity for parents and children.

A technique that worked well with my kids was telling them stories that I would make up each night. The stories had a cast of recurring characters (mainly for my benefit), and the stories always started with “It was a dark and stormy night.” Corny, I know, but they loved it.

If you look at bedtime as an opportunity to build your relationship with your child and to teach him or her about being responsible, you will find a way to avoid the bedtime battles.

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