Lesson One: I’ve Got a Secret!

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Chapter 5

Effective Discipline

The title of this first lesson is “I’ve Got a Secret.” Now you have that secret as well. The secret is that you cannot force children, or anyone, to do anything that they do not want to do.

All behavior is determined by choices. If we cannot force children to make the choices that we believe are best for them, then we must teach them how to make good choices.

We teach children about responsibility by giving them choices instead of orders. We give them choices of how best to meet their basic needs in a way that is best for them and best for those around them.

Here are some examples of how parents who do not know “the secret” talk with children.

Parent of a very young child:
“It is time for your bath. I want you to get in the tub right now. If you don’t, you will not get a story read to you tonight.”

Parent of a third-grader:
“How many times do I have to tell you not to leave your bike in the driveway? You do it again, and you won’t be able to ride it for a week.”

Parent of an adolescent:
“You do your homework right now, or else you won’t be able to use the telephone and talk to your friends for a week.”

Parent of a teenager:
“I want you home by ten o’clock. No excuses. If you are not in this house by ten o’clock on the button, you are grounded for a week.”

Now let’s look at how parents who do know “the secret” might handle the same situations.

Parent of a very young child:
“It is time for your bath. Hurry and get in the tub. After your bath, I’ll read you your favorite story.”

Parent of a third-grader:
“It is important that you put your bike away when you are finished riding it. So long as you put the bike away, you can ride it every day.”

Parent of an adolescent:
“Of course you can use the telephone to call your friends, just as soon as you finish your homework.”

Parent of a teenager:
“If you are home by your ten o’clock curfew, you show me that you are responsible and you can go out again next week.”

Notice that in each of these situations, the parents who knew the secret presented the child with a choice. They were not being coercive, nor were they being permissive. These parents were setting the boundaries for appropriate behavior and then offering the child a choice.

Of course, the parents also have to follow through. If the child chooses not to do homework, he or she is also choosing no telephone time. If the teenager does not come home by his or her curfew, then he or she is also choosing to stay at home next week. I’ll talk more about boundaries later.

The important point to remember is that by giving children choices, we are building their sense of responsibility and are meeting their need for power at the same time. The more children get their need for power met in positive ways, the less chance they will choose negative behaviors to meet that same need.

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