Lesson One: I’ve Got a Secret!

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Chapter 4

Basic Needs

“Too many of us think that we can achieve happiness by earning money, by accumulating things, or by waiting patiently for it to ‘happen’ to us. Happiness, however, is achieved when we are able to satisfy our basic psychological needs in a balanced, varied way.”
—Robert A. Sullo

All of our behavior in life is linked to our desire to avoid sadness and to achieve happiness. We achieve happiness when one or more of our basic needs are being met. We feel sad when our efforts to meet our needs are frustrated.
Therefore, when children choose to misbehave, they are not doing so just to disobey us or drive us crazy. They are choosing their behavior to meet a need.
Let’s look at each of the five basic needs in detail so that we will develop an understanding of what they are and what part they play in behavior.

Physical Need:
Survival

This need is the easiest to describe. All living creatures are genetically programmed to struggle to survive. The need to survive includes the need to satisfy hunger, thirst, and sexual desire. The need for survival also means responding to physical threats and seeking safety and security.

Psychological Needs:
The Need for Love and Belonging

This is the strongest of the basic psychological needs. The need to love and be loved, to belong and have friends, is almost as strong as the need to survive. When we feel unloved and alone, we are profoundly sad. Parents of teenagers are very familiar with this need. It is often expressed by my fifteen-year-old son as “I want to be with my friends.” As with all teenagers, his need for belonging and friendship usually takes precedence over chores, homework, or most anything.

Dr. Glasser illustrates the intensity of this need for belonging in relating a conversation he had with a person who had just attempted suicide. When Dr. Glasser asked him why he tried to kill himself, he replied that he was lonely and that he had felt lonely for so long that being dead seemed a better choice than living in such terrible pain.

Look inside yourself, and think what your life would be like without your children, your family, or any friends, and you will see the critical importance of fulfilling the need for love and belonging.

The Need for Power

This is the most misunderstood of the psychological needs because we tend to think of power in a negative sense, as power over other people. The power that Dr. Glasser is talking about is a personal power, a sense of self-worth that comes from accomplishment and recognition.

The need for power is also the need to believe that we are in control of our own life. When we give children orders or commands, we frustrate their need for power. When we give them choices, we need their need for power and give them a feeling that they are responsible enough to have control over their own behavior.

When we praise children for the things they do well, when we recognize their accomplishments, we are satisfying their need for power. When children feel powerless, they attempt to satisfy this need by exerting power over others by bullying, acting out in class, or disobeying rules (showing they are more powerful than the person who set the rules).

We as parents most often frustrate our children’s need for power when we continually criticize or belittle them (e.g., “You never can do anything right”; “I never had this problem with your sister”; “Why can’t you behave like Johnny?”; “You are a real disappointment to me”). These types of statements chip away at a child’s self-worth, frustrate his or her need for power, and, in the end, cause more problems.

There is one simple thing every parent can do to help his or her child meet this need: At least once every day, every single day, pay your child a compliment. Better yet, tell your child how much you love him or her.

The Need for Freedom

This is the need for the freedom to choose how we live our life, to express ourselves freely, and to be free from the control of others. We are fortunate to live in a society with considerable freedom, and we are free to make countless choices every day.

Helping children satisfy this need for freedom does not mean giving them the freedom to do whatever they want to do. When we talk about helping children learn about responsibility, we are talking about giving them the freedom to choose. For instance, consider the following statement by a parent to a child: “If you do not do your homework, you are grounded for the weekend.” Now compare that statement to this one: “Of course you can go out with your friends this weekend, if your homework is done. It is your choice.”

We can accomplish the same thing, making sure homework is completed, with either a threat or the offer of a choice. A threat frustrates the child's need for power and does nothing to meet his or her need for freedom. Offering a choice meets the needs for power and freedom and teaches the child about responsibility; it is the child's choice.

The Need for Fun

I look at the psychological need for fun as the ultimate, positive diversion. When you are having fun, you are very happy. You are so happy that whatever cares or concerns you might have melt into the background. With all of the pressures of being a parent, fun is particularly critical for us. When we are having fun, we relax, recharge our batteries, and enjoy a much-needed relief from the pressures that surround us.

Dr. Glasser defines fun as “the genetic reward for learning.” This is very important to remember when dealing with children. Watch children when they are at play. They are constantly discovering, learning, and having a great time. Whenever any of us discover something new, there is a sense of excitement and fun that accompanies the learning. One of saddest comments a teacher can make is, “We are here in school to learn, not to have fun.”

Fun and learning go together. This is important when we think about discipline. Discipline is teaching. If we are doing an effective job as parents, our children are learning about responsibility, and they are having fun at the same time.
I have said before that punishment does not teach children anything. There is no fun in being punished. Not only is it painful but also there is no learning and, therefore, no fun.

In summary, we all have five basic needs that we are continually attempting to satisfy. If we can teach our children how to satisfy their basic needs without impinging on the needs of others, we have taught them how to be responsible.

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