Lesson One: I’ve Got a Secret!

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Chapter 3

Why Children Do What They Do

"We can try to avoid making choices by doing nothing, but even that is a decision."
—Gary Collins

One of my qualifications is that I am the parent of five children. I have survived five attacks of the terrible twos, five onslaughts of the frightening fours, numerous adolescent aberrations, and four encounters with the ultimate challenge: the teenage years. (As I write this, I am working through my fifth episode of teenage trials.)

Early in my parenting years, I often wondered why my children ignored my sage advice and chose the most irritating, irresponsible behaviors. At one point, I came to the conclusion that they were doing this just to drive me crazy. I soon dismissed this thought, as I saw my fellow parents suffering through the same discipline problems and the same frustration. (Of course, all children could be part of worldwide conspiracy to drive all parents to the funny farm, but I doubt that this is the case.)

Understanding why children choose certain behaviors is critical to helping them learn to be responsible. Responsibility is all about choice. It is about helping children learn to make appropriate choices.

Here is another important fact: The answer to effective discipline is not by motivating children. All children, all human beings, are already internally motivated to make the choices that they do.

To understand this internal motivation, I rely on the work of world-acclaimed psychiatrist and educational expert Dr. William Glasser. Dr. Glasser’s Choice Theory explanation of human behavior holds that all human behavior is directed toward fulfilling internal needs that are genetically implanted in all human beings.

These five basic needs are the psychological needs for (1) love and belonging, (2) freedom, (3) power, and (4) fun; and the physical need for (5) safety and survival. (For further study, I suggest Dr. Glasser’s book, Choice Theory, A New Psychology of Personal Freedom.) In other words, all choices that our children make, and that we make, are motivated by our internal desire to fulfill one or more of our basic needs.

Not everyone agrees with Dr. Glasser’s theory of internal motivation. Some people believe that all human behavior is in response to external stimuli. (For further study, see the works of B. F. Skinner.) Choice Theory recognizes that we receive information from the outside world, but we then use this information in making choices. External stimuli and forces might influence our behavior, but they do not determine our behavior and our choices.

To illustrate the difference between internal and external motivation, Dr. Glasser uses the example of a telephone. When the telephone rings, you answer it.

The external-control advocate would say that you answered the telephone because you were conditioned to do so. The external stimulus of the ringing telephone caused you to pick up the receiver and answer the telephone. You were conditioned to pick up the telephone when it rang.

Dr. Glasser would say that you chose to answer the telephone. You answered the telephone to meet one of your internal needs. For instance, you answered the telephone not because it rang, but because you wanted to find out who was calling you or because you wanted to talk with someone. You wanted to fulfill your need for friendship and connecting with others (i.e., the need for love and belonging).

Dr. Glasser believes that you are not conditioned to answer the telephone, because you might choose not to answer the telephone for a variety of reasons. Maybe you are enjoying watching television or reading a book. In this case, your need to have fun reading or watching television is stronger than your need for friendship.

I believe in Dr. Glasser’s internal-motivation theory because it makes more sense to me. I do not believe that anyone or anything outside of myself can control my behavior. I believe that I choose the actions that I take and that, therefore, I am responsible for those actions.

As far as responsibility is concerned, look what these two theories of behavior are telling you. The internal-control theory tells you that you are in control of your own behavior, that you are responsible for your own actions, and that, to a great extent; you are the master of your own destiny.

On the other hand, the external-control theory tells you that the people and the things around you control your behavior. External control means that, whether you like it or not, you can be conditioned to behave in a certain way and that, to a great extent, you are at the mercy of your environment.

I firmly believe that Dr. Glasser’s theory is the correct one. My personal experience and the research that others and I have done confirm my belief.

Now let’s apply these two views of behavior to discipline.

If you believe that internal motivation directs behavior, then you can see why punishment (an external force) is not effective in influencing children’s behavior. Of course, if the rewards are big enough or the punishments are scary enough, behavior can be affected for a short period of time, but with no lasting results.

Dr. Glasser states that the only thing children learn from punishment is that they have paid for their misdeed and they are then free to go out and do it again.

If punishment were an effective form of behavior management, we would have stopped having discipline problems in schools centuries ago. If punishment were an effective deterrent, our prisons would not be bulging at the seams.

If you believe in Dr. Glasser’s approach, punishment will have no positive lasting effect on children. However, if you use it long enough, it will certainly have some significant negative effects. Constant punishment will irritate and upset your children, make them fearful of you, and teach them that an important part of life is to avoid being caught and punished. Punishment does nothing to teach children about appropriate, responsible behavior.

Once you understand that all human behavior is motivated by a desire to fulfill one or more basic needs, you can see the fallacy in the statement “I need to learn how to motivate my children.” You don’t have to learn how to motivate children. They are already internally motivated. They just might not be motivated to do what you need them to do.

Before we can think about teaching children about responsibility, we must fully understand their basic needs. That is the subject of the next chapter.

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