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Lesson Nine: Problems Around Home
Chapter 5
Don’t Say “No”
“Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore. And that's what parents were created for.”
—Ogden Nash
In the first nine to twelve months, parents spend all of their time with their child saying yes to his or her needs and desires. Then when the child reaches the age of exploration, parents find themselves spending more time saying no than yes. It is okay to say no to a child. The problem with the word no is that it is so easy to use. And because it is so easy to use, it can easily be overused. Noted pediatrician and author Dr. William Sears explains “No is a power-packed word, quick on the lips, easy to say; it gets results if you expect it to and say it without being abusive.” You can say no to your child as a demand for obedience, or you can say it respectfully. A no that is yelled and a no that is quietly stated carry very different messages. A no that demands obedience usually does not recognize the child’s needs. It is a parent’s statement of power over the child. It says, “Don’t do this, because I say so.” A respectful no says, “I care about you, and what you are doing is not good for you.”
Children need limits. Without limits, it is impossible for children to learn self-control, to learn to say no to themselves. If you think that you are using no too often, try some alternatives. With young children, distraction or redirection are good substitutes for just saying no. Yes, alternatives do take more of your time and effort, but it is worth it. If you say no to your child too often, the word is eventually going to lose its meaning. It is much more effective to strike a balance between using no and other alternatives.
The use of the word no usually evolves as your child matures. Dr. Sears gives a very good explanation: “The art of saying no develops along with your baby. During the first year, a baby’s needs and wants are the same, so that you are mainly a yes parent. During the second year, the baby’s wants are not always safe or healthy, so you become a yes and no parent. From nine to fourteen months, no-saying is straightforward. We call them low-energy no's. Between fourteen and eighteen months, as babies click into overdrive, they get easily frustrated and are likely to protest being steered in a direction other than the one they want to go. This is when you will need both high-energy no's and very creative alternatives such as the distraction and substitution approach, which is intended to minimize wear and tear on you and your child.”
There are many alternatives to no that parents can consider. You can use gestures, facial expressions, or other words. Whatever means that you use to communicate the message, no must be used politely and with respect. Mean looks or the raised hands can be used as threats as well as guidance.
Parents often ask me how to say no in a respectful 
manner. My answer is simple. Imagine that you are saying no to a friend who is about to do something that may cause him or her harm. Speak to the child as you would speak to an adult. Your no's need to say, "What you are about to do is bad for you, I care about you, and I don’t want you to harm yourself.” The tone of this use of no is very different from “Don’t do that, because I said so.” If you think about the difference and keep a positive intent in mind, your use of the word no will stop the unwanted behavior without damaging your relationship with the child.
As far as alternatives to no, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish give some excellent suggestions in their book How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. They recommend the following:
- Give information, and leave out the no.
For instance, suppose a child asks, “Can I go out and play?” Instead of saying no, say something like, “It is dinnertime.” Let the child conclude that he or she can’t go play at that time.
- Acknowledge a child’s feelings.
For instance, you are at the park, it is time to go home, and your child says, “I don’t want to go. I want to stay.” Instead of saying no, acknowledge the child's feelings by saying, “I’d like to stay, too. This is really fun. It’s hard to leave a place you enjoy so much.” Letting the child know that you understand how he or she feels can reduce resistance.
- Describe the problem.
For instance, your child asks, “Mom, can you drive me over to Jackie’s now?” Instead of just saying no, describe the reason: “No, I can’t take you right now. I am fixing dinner.”
- When possible, substitute a yes for a no.
For instance, if your child asks, “Can I go over to Tommy’s and play?” Instead of saying no, substitute a positive outcome by saying, “Yes, you can go over to Tommy’s right after you finish your homework.”
- Give yourself time to think.
This is a good alternative, especially when you can’t think of another alternative. For instance, if your child asks, “Can I sleep over at Mark’s on Saturday?” Instead of saying, “No, you slept over there last week,” say, “Let me think about it.” This is a good alternative, just so long as you are not using it to avoid answering the question.
Saying no to your child can be hard some of the time. But saying no is part of limit setting, and helping children learn to live within limits is what teaching your child responsibility is all about.
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