Lesson Nine: Problems Around Home

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Chapter 4

Problems with Practice

“The only way a kid is going to practice is if it's total fun for him. . . . and it was for me.”
—Wayne Gretzky

Problems with practice can take many forms. Practice is a necessary part of growing up. There is practice for sports teams, dance practice, musical-instrument practice, and, of course, homework is a form of practice. All of these various forms of practice can result in discipline problems.

To begin thinking about practice problems, think back to your own childhood. What types of practice did you enjoy? What types of practice did you absolutely hate? Why did you enjoy some practice and not others? I believe that you will find the answer in the fact that some of the practices were immediately need fulfilling and some were not. It is quite natural for children to look at practice in the short run. What is practice doing for me right now? Explaining to a child that learning to play the piano is going to eventually be fun is going to provide little motivation.

Learning a new skill gives a child a sense of accomplishment and does fulfill the need for power. The question is whether or not the child perceives that the need to fulfill her need for power is more important than to fulfill her need for fun. Our basic needs seldom operate individually. All needs are in play at any given point in time. How we choose to behave is a matter of which need is the strongest at a particular time.

I can remember some of my own experiences with practice that applies here. In high school, I was on the C basketball team. (C is below B, which is below junior varsity, which is below varsity.) I believe the requirements to make the team were breathing and walking. Needless to say, I was not a very skilled player. And practices were hard. Each practice ended with either running the bleachers (up and down the seats) or running a mile. Yet, I didn’t mind going to practice. I did not enjoy being the worst player on the worst team. What was important was that I was with my friends. (The fact that they weren’t very skilled either didn’t hurt.) Practice fulfilled my need for belonging. Parts of practice were unpleasant, but that was all right. My need to be part of a group, to have friends, made basketball practice need fulfilling and, at times, even fun.

Therefore, the answer to practice problems is not convincing children that it will be good for them in the long run; it is how to make practice need fulfilling in the short run. Let’s look at an example.

1. The Problem
   Zach wants to play soccer. All of his friends are signed up with teams, and Zach thinks it sounds like fun. The problem is that Zach is not a very talented player and doesn’t want to go to practices. He doesn’t seem to mind going to the games, but when time for practice comes around, he starts complaining: “I don’t want to go. Why do you make me go?” His parents have tried various forms of encouragement but with no positive results.
   
   
2. Rules and Outcomes
   Other than not talking back to his parents, there is no rule in place that covers going to soccer practice. His complaints are just that: complaints. He doesn't lose his temper or use bad language. He just whines and complains.
   
   
3. Problem Analysis
   Why is it that Zach likes going to soccer games but not to practice? This is a situation where Zach’s parents need to have a talk with him about what actually goes on at practice. With my kids, I have seen a number of coaching styles. Most coaches are volunteering their time, and they mean well. This does not mean, however, that they know how to deal effectively with children.
   
   
4. Solutions
   The first step the parents must take is to see if they can discover if something is making practice unpleasant. Of course, it could be that Zach wants to play with his friends at home rather than go to practice. But whatever the reason, the parents need to find out what is behind Zach’s reluctance to go to practice.

A reason why Zach might like going to games is that his parents go with him. If this is the case, the parents could make the effort to go to practice with Zach occasionally and see if this makes a difference.

Another problem might be that Zach feels that he is not as skilled as the other players. Zach’s parents could help him by explaining that learning new skills takes time. Sharing an experience of their own regarding learning could be very helpful. His parents should also watch Zach for progress and should recognize and praise his good efforts. Encouragement can be a good motivator in this situation.

If the problem is with the coach, the parents are going to have to talk with him or her. I have seen coaches who are abusive and overcritical with children. This is a very unhealthy situation. Talking with Zach about the coach’s problem is not going to help. If the coach will not change, the parents should take Zach out of the activity. Some parents would argue that the child should be made to endure the yelling and name-calling of a coach, because it is a good learning experience. I don’t agree. Forcing a child to endure a negative and hurtful experience is not going to help him mature. If there is nothing that the parents or the child can do, remove the child from the harmful situation.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   An important step parents can take to prevent problems with practice is to talk about it before the child signs up for the sport. The parents have to be certain that the child knows exactly what is going to be expected of him or her. The child also needs to realize that this is going to require commitment on the part of the parents as well.

Showing an interest in what Zach is trying to accomplish is also important. Sitting through practices is not very exciting, but it can be important for Zach. If parents think practice is important, it's more likely that children will value it as well.
Modeling is also important. If parents promise their child something, they should make every effort to fulfill that promise.

Parents need to show interest in whatever it is that the child is learning. If he is learning an instrument, take him to a concert. If she is on a Little League team, take her to a professional game. I know of one parent who was having a very hard time getting his son to practice the piano. His solution was to take lessons himself. Then he and his son could talk about both lessons and practice. It strengthened their relationship, and his son stopped complaining about practice.

Another parent with a practice problem used a technique that teachers often use: chunking. If a problem seems too large and intimidating, break it down into smaller, easier-to-handle pieces. The parent would set a goal for each month to learn a certain piece of music. When the child mastered the piece, he earned a special reward. This is a good approach because it can be adjusted to fit the age of the child. The younger the child, the smaller the chunks should be.

The best overall advice about avoiding practice problems is to talk about it ahead of time. Make sure that your child has realistic expectations about what is involved.

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