Lesson Nine: Problems Around Home
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Chapter 3
Talking Back
“Example has more followers than reason. We unconsciously imitate what pleases us, and approximate to the characters we most admire.”
—Christian Nestell Bovee
“Now where did Shari learn to talk like that?” “Why does Jerry have to talk back to me every time I ask him to do something?” “Where did Marlene learn to use the f-word?” “Where does Josh’s disrespectful language come from?” The answer is that they learned those words and behaviors. Perhaps they did not learn them from you; nevertheless, they learned them.
I am often accused of stating the obvious. One of my favorites is, “If you want children to act like adults, then stop treating them like children.” Another one of my favorites is, “If you want children to respect you, then treat them with respect.”
Using disrespectful or defiant language is often children's attempt to act older. They use language they have heard someone older than themselves say, because they think that it will give them power and recognition and will make them seem more mature than their years. They are attempting to fulfill their need for power, because they have witnessed other people with power use this language.
They best way to encourage and teach your child to use proper and respectful language is to use that type of language yourself. It is easy to lapse into using inappropriate language when you are tired or upset and you say something without thinking. The best advice is to pay attention to what you say and how you say it. Avoid yelling, barking orders, scolding, or talking at children. This will encourage children to, at best, become parent deaf and to, at worst, begin talking that way themselves.
There is a technique that some experts recommend that I would like to warn you about: the broken-record technique. Supposedly, this is a way to deal with a child who wants to argue or talk back to you. The technique calls for you to just keep repeating your request (like a broken record) until the child stops trying to argue with you. This is a very uncaring, unsympathetic, and disrespectful way to treat a child. By using the broken record, you are telling the child that whatever he or she has to say has no value, and you are refusing to hear what he or she has to say. Taking this position with your child will seriously damage your trusting relationship with that child. When you discount what the child has to say, the child will think that you are discounting him or her as well. Do not use the broken-record technique. It will not help.
Let’s now examine a problem and explore some solutions.
- The Problem
Cathy likes to talk back and use language that her parents find inappropriate. She is the youngest of three children and has had ample time to pick up bad words from her older siblings. Her parents have explained to her that certain words are not acceptable. They have also made a concerted effort not to use bad language themselves. However, with the influence of her friends and her experience with her older siblings, Cathy easily lapses into bad language when she is upset.
- Rules and Outcomes
The rule in place is that certain language is not acceptable. Cathy’s parents have talked with her about what is and is not acceptable. The consequence in place is that if she chooses to use bad language, she also chooses to get a spanking. The parents really do not want to resort to spanking, and they say it is really just to get her attention more than it is to hurt her.
- Problem Analysis
I have heard many parents use the excuse that spanking is just to get the child’s attention. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t take long for the child to figure out what is going on. When the child finds that she can keep misbehaving until the spanking occurs, you can be sure she is going to push the envelope (and the parents’ patience) to the limit. Spanking might succeed in getting the child's attention, but then what? When you spank a child, you are basically saying, “Okay, you have been spanked, and you have paid for your misdeed, so now you can go out and do it again.” The focus is on past behavior, not on future behavior.
- Solutions
Cathy’s parents need to sit down with her again and talk about the problem. They need to reinforce the fact that bad language hurts other people. Therefore, if she chooses to continue using language that hurts or embarrasses others, she also chooses to play by herself until she can figure out how to talk in a way that is not harmful to others. Once the plan is in place and Cathy uses bad language, the parents should stay calm and simply say, “We do not talk that way in this house. I want you to talk to me in a different way.” Then they should have Cathy go to her room until she can offer a better way of speaking.
If Cathy’s use of bad language or talking back seems to be the result of anger or frustration, her parents should help her find alternative ways to deal with those feelings. They should try to put themselves in Cathy’s place to see what it is that is upsetting her (e.g., “Are you upset with me because you think that I boss you around too much?" or “Do you get mad because you think that I am not listening to you?”). If her parents can get to the root of the problem, they will be better able to help Cathy.
Cathy’s parents, if needed, should give her the words that she can use instead of the ones that are not acceptable. Or they could suggest that if she is really angry to just say, “I am really, really mad at you.” That statement is much preferable to the f-word, and it serves to get feelings out into the open.
- Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
The best way to prevent back talk or defiant behavior is to pay close attention to how to talk with your child. For instance, how many times during the day do you just say, “No” or “Don’t do that” or “Stop that”? Occasionally speaking this way with your child is not harmful. If you do it too often, however, communication is going to shut down, and you are going to get defiant words or behavior. With very young children, providing a distraction is a good alternative to saying no all the time.
Children’s need for power is very strong. They will suffer through a good deal of punishment just to show the parents who are really in charge. To avoid this, don’t make the situation win-lose. Make it win-win. Treat children with respect, and offer them a choice rather than punishing them.
When attempting to reach children who are defiant, remember the key phrase “We’ll try again tomorrow.” Many problems that you have to solve will take effort and persistence. Remember that there is always a tomorrow for you and your child to try another solution.
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