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Lesson Nine: Problems Around Home
Chapter 2
Won’t Pick up Toys
“Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve."
—Roger Lewin
“Why do I have to yell at you every single day to pick up your toys?” The answer to that question is simple: because yelling is not going to teach your child to pick up his or her toys. For parents, picking up toys and putting them away seems like a very simple thing to understand; anyone should know how to do it. The fact is that children do not know how to put their toys away until they are taught how to do it.
I read somewhere that little people make big messes. Whoever said that is definitely a parent. What children do know how to do is get their toys out, play with them, and then leave them when something else interests them. This is normal behavior. It is not normal for children to finish playing with a toy and then put it back on the shelf without prompting from a parent. Once you understand that this is natural behavior and not defiant behavior, it is easier to know how to deal with it.
If the answer is to teach the child how to put away toys, then punishment is not going to work either. Punishment is not a teaching tool. So, now the question is, how do you teach children to put away their toys? Let’s look at a specific situation to find the answer.
- The Problem
Marcus loves to play in his room. He has a very short attention span, so he is continually going from one toy to another. By the end of the day, it seems as though every toy that he has is on the floor, or under his bed, or anywhere except where they belong. His parents have given him the nickname Messy Marcus, and say that this is just a phase he is going through and that he will outgrow it (want to bet on that?).
- Rules and Outcomes
A rule is in place that Marcus needs to pick up his toys every day by bedtime. If not, he is not allowed to go out and play until after lunch the next day. The parents believe that if they are consistent in applying the rule, Marcus will sooner or later learn that his toys have to be picked up. So far, this plan hasn’t worked.
- Problem Analysis
This is a case when the rule and outcome not only will not work but also will only make things worse. The negative consequence for Marcus not picking up his toys is for him to play inside for half of the day. Guess what? By staying inside, he makes more of a mess than if he were allowed to play outside. Punishment is not solving the problem, and the parents need to come up with a new plan.
- Solutions
First of all, the rule needs to be changed. Waiting until the end of the day to pick up all the toys is not a very good idea. For one thing, by the end of the day, the task is going to be pretty overwhelming. Also, the outcome needs to be changed to focus on a positive outcome. Also, whatever new plan the parents decide upon must include some teaching time to make sure that Marcus knows what picking up his toys means. - Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
As with all discipline situations, modeling is very important. The example that you set with your own behavior is one of your most powerful teaching tools. If you keep a neat house, if you put away your things, you teach the value of neatness.
The parents should not pick up the toys themselves. To begin the teaching process, the parents should help Marcus clean up his room and show him how to put toys away. Also, parents need to be reasonable. Teaching Marcus to place every toy neatly on shelves every day is probably not going to happen. Rather than neatly arranged shelves, boxes would be a better idea. Just getting a child to gather toys randomly and pile them into a box is a good step forward.
The parents need to be specific in their directions (e.g., “Put all of your animal friends on the bed after you’re finished playing with them, so they can rest"; or “Let's put all of the blocks back in the box so that you can find them again tomorrow"). Specific directions are much better than general ones such as “Go clean up your room” or “Pick up your toys.”
If he is old enough, it would be a good idea to teach Marcus to clean up as he goes along. Breaking up a huge task into little ones makes the problem easier for a child to handle. You should begin at an early age to help your child develop the habit of cleaning up. If you let the problem go too long, it is going to be very difficult to overcome.
There must be a positive outcome attached to the cleaning-up rule. As soon as the toys are put away, the child should earn a privilege. The parents could plan the clean-up time just before his favorite television program. Or better, the parents could give Marcus some extra attention by playing outside with him, or reading him a story. If he does not pick up his toys, he doesn’t earn the privilege. A parent should not say, “You did not pick up your toys, so I am not going to read you a story.” This places too much emphasis on the negative. Instead, say, “You didn’t pick up your toys, so there will be no story today. We’ll try again tomorrow.” This is a very subtle difference, but it is important.
Also, parents need to realize that the same positive outcome will not work forever. If the positive outcome for Marcus picking up his toys is reading him his favorite story, it will work for a while. When Marcus becomes bored with story reading, another outcome needs to be substituted. No solution to a given problem is going to work forever. Be prepared to change a rule or an outcome when it is apparent that it is no longer effective.
Encourage your child’s neatness by recognizing and praising him when he cleans up. Even if it is just putting away a crayon, the parents should make a point of letting Marcus know that they appreciate his effort: “Good job putting that crayon back in the box. Now it will be there for you tomorrow. Thanks.”
Some parents make clean-up time a game, such as Beat the Clock, which I mentioned in a previous lesson. They set a timer and then help the child pick up toys in an effort to finish before the bell rings. If they succeed, the child earns a positive outcome. If not, the child still has benefited from extra time with the parent and, in the process, has learned to clean up his toys. In my opinion, this would be a technique that could be used every once in a while. I think that it would get old pretty fast if it were done every day, but it is certainly worth a try.
Finally, don’t expect perfection. No matter how pleasant the outcome for cleaning up, your child will find that making a mess is still a lot more fun than cleaning it up. However, be assured that with your follow-through and encouragement, your child will learn to mend his or her messy ways.
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