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Lesson Nine: Problems Around Home
Chapter 1
How to Talk to Children
“When I am upset or hurting, the last thing I want to hear is advice. . . . but let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me a chance to talk more about what’s troubling me and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.”
—Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk)
In this lesson, you will learn how to effectively deal with problems that might well be called everyday annoyances. These are not terribly serious problems, but they are nonetheless problems that parents need to deal with. The problems covered in this lesson are (1) not picking up toys, (2) talking back, and (3) not wanting to go to practice (e.g., soccer practice, piano practice, etc.).
Any effective approach to discipline stresses preventing problems before they occur. This means seeing to it that children get their basic needs met in productive ways. If children do not get their needs met, they get frustrated and angry. Frustration and anger lead to inappropriate behavior and to discipline problems.
When I talk with parents about helping children meet their basic psychological needs (for love, power, freedom, and fun), the need for power always draws much attention. Just what is this need for power? The need for power is the need to feel some control over your own life. It is also the need to feel important. Adults as well as children have this need. Feelings of success and accomplishment fulfill this need. Parents help children satisfy this need by acknowledging their good efforts and successes. There is also something that parents often overlook that can be very effective in helping a child feel that he or she is valued and important: talking with and listening to children.
There are three levels of talking: (1) talking to someone, (2) talking at someone, and (3) talking with someone. Talking to someone means that your main objective is to convey information (hopefully, information that the person you are talking to wants). Example: “Don’t hit your little brother. Hitting hurts. Hitting is not permitted.”
Talking at someone is a demeaning form of communication. It is impersonal and hurtful. It does not acknowledge or require a response from the other person. Example: “You know better than to hit your brother. Stop acting like a baby.”
Talking with someone, on the other hand, involves two-way communication. When you talk with someone, you not only expect a response but also invite a response. This is respectful communication. It shows that you care about the other person, how he or she feels, and what he or she has to say. Example: “Jenna, hitting is not permitted. You look as though you are very upset. Can you tell me what is the matter? And I’ll see if I can help.”
If you constantly talk at (or to, for that matter) children, they eventually will get bored and stop listening. Talking at someone will make him or her angry. Neither talking to or at someone is going to gain cooperation or teach anything that will be remembered. Talking with a child meets his or her need for power, because it shows that the child and what the child says are important.
Besides learning how to talk to a child, it is equally important to learn how to listen. Nothing wins over children (or adults) more than conveying that you value their viewpoint.
There are two types of listening that can meet children’s need for power, love, and belonging: reflective listening and active listening. With reflective listening, you reflect back to the child what you hear. It is best to rephrase what your child has said, and put it into different words so that it doesn't sound like you are parroting or patronizing him. This type of listening shows that you are hearing what your child is trying to tell you and keeps the communication open.
CHILD: I am never going to talk to Billy again. He is hateful, and I don’t want to talk to him ever again.
PARENT: You never want to talk to Billy again?
CHILD: He told Susan that I was a stupid fifth-grader. I hate him. I hate him!
PARENT: You are angry with Billy because he called you stupid.
CHILD: He shouldn't have said it.
PARENT: You are right. Calling people names is very unkind.
CHILD: I don’t want to talk to him ever again.
PARENT: If Billy happens to call, I will take a message.
Active listening is one step better than reflective listening. With active listening, you acknowledge your child’s feelings without trying to explain them away or fix them. Again, this lets the child know that it is all right to have feelings, sad feelings as well as happy feelings.
CHILD: I am never going to talk to Billy again. He is hateful, and I don’t want to talk to him ever again.
PARENT: You are angry with Billy?
CHILD: He told Susan that I was stupid fifth-grader. I hate him. I hate him!
PARENT: It really hurts when someone calls you a name.
CHILD: He shouldn't have said it.
PARENT: You are right. I feel really bad when someone says bad things about me.
CHILD: I don’t want to talk to him ever again.
PARENT: I can see how upset you are. If Billy happens to call, I will take a message.
This is as far as active listening has to go. The parent does not have to rescue her daughter and call Billy's parents or agree that she should not talk with Billy. At this point, the parent should let the daughter attempt to work out a solution. If the problem is not resolved in a day or so, the parents could offer to help. For the present, however, simply acknowledging the child’s feelings is enough.
When a child is upset, he or she is not relying on the thinking part of his or her brain. Therefore, your judgments or advice will fall on deaf ears. If you react with anger, you will only feed the child's emotional upset and make matters worse.
Avoid these statements that either ignore the child's feelings or, worse, express your anger or resentment:
“Stop that crying!”
“That is nothing to be upset about.”
“You should have known better.”
“You are being a baby.”
“I’m sure it didn’t hurt that bad.”
Instead, acknowledge your child’s feelings with statements such as these:
“That really made you angry.”
“That must have hurt.”
“You are really sad.”
“Being called a name hurts.”
“That really hurt your feelings, didn't it?”
If you have trouble listening to your child without giving some sort of advice, saying nothing is a better choice. Simply listen to your child without saying anything. Nodding and saying “Hmmm” will work a lot better than any form of advice.
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