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Lesson Four: And the Winner Is…
Chapter 5
Getting a Commitment
“It is helpful to have patience with ourselves and with our children as we try to change old habits. As our understanding of the underlying principles deepens, practical application becomes easier. Patience, humor, and forgiveness enhance our learning experience."
—Dr. Jane Nelson
The win-win approach to discipline has its roots in the secret you learned about in the first section: You cannot force children to do anything that they do not want to do. In a situation where parents force children to behave a certain way, the parents are the winners. They get their needs met. The children are the losers. Their needs are being ignored in favor of the parents’ needs.
The win-win approach does not mean being permissive. It doesn’t mean that parents have to lower their expectations about children’s behavior, nor does it mean that parents have to do away with limits and boundaries.
If you give children freedom without limits, you are likely to get the opposite of what you want: irresponsibility. Being responsible means being able to recognize and honor reasonable limits.
It is true that some children are very content with having a parent or other adult control their life. This diminishes the responsibility they have to take for their own actions. After all, if the parent forces the child to do something or act a certain way, then the parent takes the blame when things go wrong. It is an easy road for some children to follow.
However, if we allow children to rely on us to tell them how to behave in every situation, we are depriving them of opportunities to develop responsibility, self-confidence, and self-esteem.
A win-win approach to discipline includes clear and specific limits. Children know what is expected of them. They know how far they can go without testing limits.
This win-win approach implies an agreement. It implies that both parents and children know what is expected and what the limits are. It also implies that parents and children agree ahead of time and commit to meeting certain expectations and observing limits.
The importance of commitment cannot be overstated. Both the parents and children need to agree and commit to a behavior plan. To illustrate how commitment works, I will retell a story that Dr. Bluestein uses to illustrate parent-child negotiation and commitment. It is a true story from a parent who had attended one of Dr. Bluestein’s parenting workshops and was trying to put his new knowledge into action.
The situation involves a teenager who has just recently obtained her driver’s license. The weekend is approaching, and the following dialog takes place:
DAUGHTER: Can I have the car this Saturday?
DAD: Yes, but we need to set a time for you to be home. Ten o'clock works for me.
DAUGHTER: Come on, Dad, the party isn’t over until eleven.
DAD: Where is the party?
DAUGHTER: At Jill’s.
DAD: Okay, that’s about ten minutes away, so you could be home by eleven-fifteen.
DAUGHTER: Daaaaaad . . . what if we want to stop for a Coke or something?
DAD: Okay, then midnight would be fine with me. How about you?
DAUGHTER: Well, if we say one o'clock, I’ll be sure not to be late.
DAD: One doesn’t work for me, but I’ll settle for twelve-fifteen.
DAUGHTER: Final answer?
DAD: Yes, final answer. And by twelve-fifteen, I mean twelve-fifteen by my watch, with the keys on the kitchen table, and gas in the gas tank.
DAUGHTER: But what if I have a flat tire?
DAD: Well, if you have a flat tire, I sure hope you are home at twelve-fifteen by my watch.
DAUGHTER: But, Dad.
DAD: Twelve-fifteen. Okay?
DAUGHTER: Yeah.
DAD: Now what did you just agree to?
DAUGHTER: (Reluctantly, mumbling) Home by twelve-fifteen, by yooooour watch, keys on the table, gas in the tank.
DAD: Good.
DAUGHTER: But what happens if I’m late and it’s really not my fault.
DAD: If you are home as agreed, then you can have the car again next weekend. If not, we’ll try again in a couple of weeks.
There are some important points to note in this dialog. First, a mutually agreeable limit or boundary is set at twelve-fifteen. The boundary is clear: twelve-fifteen by the parent’s watch, keys on the table, and gas in the gas tank. Second, both the parent and the daughter commit to the plan. The key to the commitment is the father’s question “What did you agree to?” Third, there is no threat. The outcome is positive. If the daughter stays within the boundary and meets her commitment, she can have the car again. If, for whatever reason, she misses twelve-fifteen, then they will “try again in a couple of weeks.” This is very different from, “If you are not back by twelve-fifteen, then no car next week.” The focus stays on the desired responsible behavior, not on punishment for not keeping the commitment.
Of course, the above example is too sophisticated for a young child. However, you can still offer choices to a three-year-old or a preteen. It is just a matter of degree. The principles are the same.
By the way, the real parent in the story reported that his daughter not only arrived home every night on time but also was usually early because she wanted to allow some extra time just in case she had a flat or some other problem.
To work properly, the win-win approach takes planning. The parent and the child have to know and agree to the boundaries. In the next section, we will look more closely at the planning process.
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