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Lesson Four: And the Winner Is…
Chapter 4
What Does Work: Emotional Deposits and Withdrawals
“With each new relationship, we open an emotional bank account. Much like a financial bank account, it receives deposits and from it comes withdrawals. When withdrawals exceed deposits, the account is overdrawn. One main difference between the two kinds is that the human relationship usually requires daily small deposits to maintain the balance and build equity. Deposits are made through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping commitments. Withdrawals are made through discourtesy, disrespect, threats, and overreactions.”
—Stephen R. Covey
Being responsible and taking responsibility for your actions are not easy things to do. In some cases, it means enduring the unpleasant consequences for poor choices. In other cases, it means forgoing what would be really fun for something less fun but more responsible. I guess you could say that if it were easy to be a responsible person, everybody would be one.
So, what can we as parents do to get our children to do the hard work of becoming responsible? The above quotation by Stephen Covey gives us the answer. He refers to this strength-building process as emotional deposits. I call it building self-esteem and self-confidence.
Before we look at the positive, deposit-making side of the equation, let’s look at the negative experiences that make withdrawals from our emotional bank accounts.
Think about a time when you were put down or treated poorly or unfairly by another person. How did you feel when your character was questioned?
I can clearly remember one such incident. It happened when I was working for a company that specialized in training teachers how to manage student behavior. I can’t remember what mistake I made that prompted the encounter with the president of the company, but it must have been significant.
Anyway, I was called into his office and was confronted with my error and the possible negative consequences to the company. The president said (among other unprintable things), “Thompson, what in the world were you thinking about? How could you have done this? I am very disappointed in you.”
It took me a long time to get over that meeting. Even though I don’t remember what I did, I am positive that it was not an intentional error aimed at hurting the company. Nevertheless, I was treated as though I had intended it. The president chose to attack me personally, rather than address what I had done.
What was the result of this raid on my emotional bank account? For one thing, I was not ready to run right out and slay dragons for the good of the company. I was more in a withdrawing, licking-my-wounds state of mind. I was scared to death that I’d make another mistake. It was like walking in a minefield. My only thought was to watch what I said and did, to be extra careful. My confidence was shaken, my self-esteem damaged. Repairs took a good deal of time. As a result, until I got over the personal assault, I did not work to my potential, much less feel good about my job or myself.
However, while these drains on our emotional accounts can be devastating, emotional deposits are very uplifting and inspiring. We make emotional deposits when we tell children they are doing a good job, when we recognize their accomplishments, when we express confidence in their potential. We make emotional deposits when we communicate to children that we accept and appreciate them for who they are, when we do not compare them with others.
These emotional deposits build a feeling of trust in children. This trust is essential as you move toward a win-win approach to discipline and begin presenting children with choices. At first, they might be skeptical about your intentions. However, if their trust level is high enough, if their emotional bank account has sufficient deposits, they will believe that you have their best interests at heart, and they will be willing to take on the hard work of learning responsibility.
When parents focus on getting only their own needs met, when they lose their tempers and yell and scream, or if they simply throw up their hands and let children do as they please, children’s level of trust will deteriorate. When their emotional bank accounts become overdrawn, children are more likely to engage in irresponsible, destructive, and even self-destructive behavior.
When the children are young and susceptible to threats and manipulation, parents often get what they want without making emotional deposits and building trust. But by the time the child becomes a teenager, threats or bribes no longer work. Without trust or mutual respect, parents have little influence over children. There are simply not enough funds in the children’s accounts to draw upon. A lack of deposits in the formative years leads to an overdrawn emotional bank account in the teen years and a breakdown of the parent-child relationship.
If we want children to tackle the hard work of learning to be responsible, we must give them the tools they need to do that work: self-confidence, self-worth, and the feeling that they and their efforts are recognized and appreciated.
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