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Lesson Four: And the Winner Is…
Chapter 3
What Does Work: Treating Children as Though They Were Adults
“If you want children to act like adults, stop treating them like children.”
—James Thompson
As I begin this chapter, I am reminded of the first talk that I heard Dr. William Glasser deliver. He was describing his first visit to an elementary school as a discipline consultant. He told how the principal met him and led him into a little room near the office and then sent in a so-called problem child for Dr. Glasser to “fix.” Dr. Glasser described how he came out of the meeting with the child and asked the principal, “Do you have any more children like that one?” “Oh, yes," the principal replied enthusiastically. “We have a lot of them!” Dr. Glasser responded, “Fine, I quit.”
Dr. Glasser didn’t really quit; he stayed and talked to the teachers about discipline. All of the teachers were anxious to hear what they could do to the children to stop their disruptive and defiant behaviors. Dr. Glasser gave them some advice they weren’t expecting: “First of all,” he directed, “you have to stop irritating the kids.”
What Dr. Glasser was suggesting was for teachers to stop frustrating children by ignoring their needs. He was reminding them that everyone, adults and children, have the same needs. We seem to keep this in mind naturally when we are dealing with other adults, but we tend to forget this when dealing with children.
Let's look at an example that I don’t believe is too far-fetched.
Two people enter a supermarket together. They obviously know each other. As they are walking down an aisle, one of them stubs his toe and accidentally falls against a display of stacked soda cans. One can falls, then another, and another, and pretty soon there is a cascade of cans flowing into the aisle. Both people are knocked off their feet. Slowly they pick themselves up. What do they say to each other?
First, let’s assume the two people are adults.
ADULT 1: (Helping adult 2 get up) Are you okay?
ADULT 2: Yes, I think so.
ADULT 1: You must have tripped on something.
ADULT 2: Yes, I think so. Boy, what a mess.
ADULT 1: Don’t worry about it. It wasn’t your fault.
ADULT 2: I guess not.
ADULT 1: I’ll go get someone to clean this up. Stay here, and make sure nobody else gets hurt.
That is not an unreasonable exchange between two adults. I am sure all of us have been in similar circumstances. How would you describe the dialog? Caring? Understanding? Comforting? Yes, all of those.
Now, let’s look at the same situation but with an adult and a child. In this case, the child stubs her toe and falls into the soda-can display.
ADULT: Look what you have done! What is wrong with you?
(Child is too scared to respond)
ADULT: (Yanking the child up) I told you not to touch anything! Why don’t you ever listen?
(Child starts to sob)
ADULT: Don’t you start crying. You shut up. Boy, wait until the manager sees this. You are really going to get it!
(Child is now crying)
ADULT: I told you to stop that! Just wait til we get home. You are really going to get it!
How often do you see two adults acting this way? I would expect not very often. How would you characterize what the parent said? Insensitive Hurtful? Irresponsible?
Children learn to act by the way they are treated. If they are treated in insensitive and hurtful ways, that is the way they will treat others.
A very simple and yet very important rule to follow is to speak to and treat your child as if he or she were an adult, no matter how old the child is. This does not mean that you can’t play, act silly, or have fun with your child. Those things are just as important as anything else.
What it does mean is that when there is a behavior problem, rather than rant and rave or beg and plead, speak with your child on an adult level with courtesy, respect, care, understanding, compassion, and patience. In other words, treat your child the way you would like to be treated. If you want to change the way your child behaves, you are first going to have to change the way you behave
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