Lesson Four: And the Winner Is…

<–Back | Forward–>

Chapter 2

What Does Work: The Win-Win Approach to Discipline

“Win-win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Win-win means that everyone wins because agreements or solutions are mutually beneficial, mutually satisfying. With a win-win solution, all parties feel good about the decision and feel committed to the action plan.”
—Stephen R. Covey

Before reading this chapter, I recommended that you review the descriptions of the authoritarian and permissive discipline approaches given in the conclusion of section 3. It will be helpful to note the differences between those approaches and the win-win approach described below. Again I am indebted to Dr. Jane Bluestein for her writings on this subject.

The Win-Win Approach to Discipline

What results from a win-win approach?

Parents win. Children win.
Children get their needs met. Parents get their needs met.

What does the win-win approach look like?

It is characterized by direct, honest communication rather than by threats, name-calling, and emotional outbursts.
The goal is to obtain children’s cooperation rather than compliance.
Parents may practice any or all of the following: offering choices within limits, setting contingencies, supporting, listening, guiding, informing, accepting, allowing natural consequences to occur, offering recognition and reinforcement.
Parents focus on the positive consequences of cooperation rather than punishment for lack of cooperation.
Positive consequences for cooperation may include a greater range of choices, freedoms, and responsibilities.
With the cooperative, win-win approach, parents leave the consequences of choices (positive and negative) with children; children retain the responsibility for their own behavior.
Non-life-threatening consequences for poor choices are allowed as learning experiences; parents resist the temptation to rescue children but remain available to provide information.
Parents differentiate between the child and the child’s behavior; parents accept their children even though the children’s behavior may not be acceptable.
Parents’ basic belief is that their children’s needs are as valuable and as important as their own.

What does the win-win approach communicate to children?

I hear and understand you and what you want.
We can both win. One of us doesn’t have to lose.
You are a good person, even though you mess up.

What does the win-win approach sound like?

“Yes, you can watch television, just as soon as your homework is done.”
“You can clean up your room whenever you want, just so long as it is done by bedtime.”
“Yes, you can go out with your friends on weekend nights so long as you keep a B+ average.”

Are there any advantages of the win-win approach?

It teaches responsibility through internally motivated cooperation.
It accommodates children’s need for power and control, without interfering with parent’s needs.
It discourages resentment. Children recognize that their needs are being recognized and considered.
It helps children make a connection between “What I do” and “What happens to me.”
By giving children choices and some control over their own behavior, it builds self-concept.

Its results tend to be long-standing.
It models compromise, negotiating, and cooperation.
It teaches self-control and demonstrates to children that there are ways of dealing with problems other than by losing their temper or by whining or complaining.
It teaches children that it is possible and desirable to get what you want in life without hurting or depriving anyone else.

What are the disadvantages of the win-win approach?

It may take longer to show positive results.
People who favor a powering, authoritative approach to discipline may perceive it as permissive.
The advantages of the win-win approach to discipline are obvious. The rewards, however, may take some time. When you first start using a win-win approach with your child, he or she may want to test your sincerity and resolve. This is especially true of older children.

This is also especially true of children who have experienced only authoritarian discipline. These children are used to looking to adults for directions and orders. They are accustomed to having someone else make decisions for them. Offers of choices can be met with “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” or “Whatever.” If you get these responses, do not be discouraged. The rewards and positive outcomes are well worth the wait. Patience, persistence, and a sense of humor will keep you going.

<–Back | Forward–>