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Lesson Four: And the Winner Is…
Chapter 1
No lose Discipline
“Diplomacy is the art of letting the other person have your way.”
—Author unknown
At one point in my life, I was head of marketing of a small company, and I was responsible for dealing with upset customers. At that time, I had a plaque on my desk with the above quotation.
I mention it here because that quotation could be adapted to read Discipline is the art of letting children have your way. This tongue-in-cheek definition of discipline sounds good at first, but its viability suffers on closer inspection. With that definition, there is only one winner: the parent who somehow tricks children into behaving a certain way. Effective discipline, however, must be win-win: Parents and children must be winners and get their needs met.
Creating a win-win outcome is also the goal of effective discipline. Discipline is not the art letting children have their way. Neither is discipline the art of getting your way.
When discipline is practiced correctly, there are no losers, only winners. Parents win because they are able to have their needs met without imposing authority or control. Children get their needs met because they get a say in the process through the use of choices. This is the win-win approach to discipline.
In this section, you will learn about this win-win approach to teaching responsibility. You will learn more about choices and the critical part they play in discipline. You will also learn how to nurture a respectful, caring relationship with your child. Doing so lays the foundation for effective discipline.
To begin, let’s look more closely at choices.
As I have said before, presenting children with choices does not mean giving up all of your parental control. You are still in control because you are in control of the options that you present.
Following are the guidelines for the proper use of choices.
Choices must offer options, not threats. “Do it or else” certainly gives children a choice, but the else is probably not positive. Choices must be free of threats; otherwise, children will feel manipulated and, therefore, will not feel that they actually had a choice to make.
All choices presented must be acceptable to you and to your child. In other words, you do not give children good choices and bad choices to see if they will pick the right one. For example, this is obviously a setup: “Do you want to clean up your room, or are you going to make me clean it up for you?” The only acceptable choice is to clean up the room, or start an argument.
The choice that you present must be clear. Children must understand what is being offered to them. Consider the parent who says, “You can stay here and listen to music, or you can go over to Jeannie's house so long as you are home at a decent hour.” The parent who gave these choices no doubt knows exactly what a decent hour is, but this definition is not being communicated to the child.
Start with simple choices. This is especially true with very young children. Children learn about responsibility from all choices properly given, no matter how simple. If you complicate the situation with too many options, you will probably confuse children. Here's an example: “Do you want to clean up your room now or after dinner? Or you can watch some television first if you want, or wait until it is bedtime, just so long as you don’t wait until it is too late.” In the case of choices, more is not better.
Use time limits when necessary. Time limits can be useful no matter what age you are dealing with. For younger children, giving a time limit narrows the choices and makes it easier for them to make a decision (e.g., “Do you wan to clean up your room now or after the cartoon is over?”). With older children, time limits can be essential. In dealing with teenagers, if you do not set specific time limits, you can be sure they will adopt the put-it-off-as-long-as-possible attitude.
Invite input from children. This works well with older as well as younger children. However, when you ask for input from teenagers, you have to be prepared to negotiate. For instance, “We need to set a time for you to be home on Saturday night. What time is good for you?” Don’t expect a teenager to answer, “Thank you for asking for my input, Mother. I would say that eight is a responsible time for me to be home on Saturday.” Rather, you should be prepared for, “How about three o'clock?” Your response should be, “Three o’clock doesn’t work for me. How about ten?” Then you negotiate until you have reached a mutually acceptable time.
Take a moment to reread the above exchange in which the parent is negotiating with the teenager. The parent’s response to the teenager’s suggestion of a three o’clock curfew was not “Are you out of your mind?” It was simply “Three o’clock doesn't work for me.” This type of response keeps the lines of communication open, and the conversation remains a calm consideration of choices, rather than an emotional confrontation. This parent is speaking to the thinking part of the teenager’s brain, which invites a reasoned response. This is the type of exchange that teaches decision-making skills.
Offer help in making the decision. With younger children, at times they might be too tired or too distracted to make a decision. In that case, simply ask, “Would you like me to help you make a choice?” Offering to help is fine so long as the decision is still the child’s to make.
By offering choices within these guidelines, you will teach children that they have control over their own life and that they are responsible for their own behavior.
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