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Lesson Five: You’ve Got to Have a Plan
Chapter 5
Consistency
“The best discipline, maybe the only discipline that really works, is self-discipline.”
—Walter Kiechel III
Teaching children responsibility and self-discipline is about showing them how they can get their needs met within limits, within the positive boundaries that you have set. This will work only if you are consistent in your approach to discipline.
To illustrate this point, I like to use the story of the mystery speed limit. One day a man was driving down the highway, and he came upon a speed limit sign with a big question mark on it. Before he had time to think about what it might mean, he saw flashing red lights in his rearview mirror. He pulled over to the curb, and a policeman came to the driver’s window.
“What did I do?” asked the man. The policeman didn't answer the question, but instead asked him to get out of the car. As the man stood and watched, the policeman proceeded to let the air out of each of the tires.
“What did I do?” the man persisted.
“You broke the speed limit,” responded the policeman.
“What speed limit?” the man asked. “The only thing I saw was a sign with a question mark on it.”
“That is correct. Today is mystery speed limit day. And today I decided five miles was the limit.”
"That’s not fair,” the man exclaimed. "And what are you doing to my tires?”
“Oh,” the policeman said as he finished letting the air out of the last tire, “I also decided that today’s punishment was going to be letting the air out of your tires instead of giving you a ticket. . . . Have a good day.”
Nobody likes mystery speed limits. Yet parents use them with children all the time. Without set boundaries that are known to the child and the parent, inconsistency and unpredictability will lead to conflicts and emotional reactions.
For instance, take a child who likes to play music in her room. Normally her parents have a good tolerance for the wild music and powerful bass vibrations that penetrate doors, ceilings, and walls. On some days, however, because of other stress factors in their life, the parents find the music irritating. So, they say nothing and grit their teeth until they can’t bear it any more, and then go into the daughter’s room and yell for her to turn the music down.
If children constantly face inconsistencies, children cannot make rational decisions about how to behave. Without consistency, they cannot relate consequences to the actions they take.
For instance, say the parent sat down with the daughter and said that they needed to set a limit on the loudness of the music, one that would work for both of them. They had a discussion and agreed that the music volume would be fine so long as it couldn’t be heard in the living room. However, if the parents enforce the boundary only on some days and not on others, the child will no doubt keep playing the music louder and louder until there is a confrontation.
Children learn by testing boundaries. They can’t resist it. (I think it is in their job description.) Children love finding out just how much they cannot away with. If the boundaries keep changing or if they are not consistently enforced, children will continue to test the limits.
I'm sure you've heard the saying "Give them an inch, and they will take a mile." Whoever said that had to be a parent talking about children.
The need for consistency is a very challenging aspect of parenting. The boundaries and standards that you set for children will make most sense when they are clear and do not change from day to day. For instance, is a child’s allowance contingent upon doing certain chores every week? Do you withhold the allowance every time the chores are not completed? Do you make sure to give the allowance every time the chores are done as agreed?
However, being consistent does not mean that you cannot be flexible and understanding. There may be times when set rules and boundaries may be inappropriate. Suppose you and your child have agreed that homework must be completed before the television is turned on, but a special show is on at six o'clock, and your child asks to watch it. It is fine to change the rule for that night, just so long as it is explained to the child exactly that way.
The key value of consistency is that your consistent actions build consistent responses from your child. Applied to the football analogy, this means that it is much easier to coach and play the game if everyone is observing the same rules.
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