|
|
|
|
Lesson Five: You’ve Got to Have a Plan
Chapter 4
Creating and Using Boundaries
“I don't give advice. I can't tell anybody what to do. Instead I say this is what we know about this problem at this time. And here are the consequences of these actions."
—Dr. Joyce Brothers
In school, teachers usually begin the school year by determining their classroom rules and teaching them to children. This is needed because teachers’ rules vary from year to year, from classroom to classroom. Therefore, it is necessary for teachers to make sure that students know the rules and boundaries for their classroom.
The home situation is different. It would be awkward and inappropriate to suggest that you sit down with your child and explain the rules of your household. Children might interpret this as a demonstration of your authority rather than as an effort to gain cooperation. Rules and boundaries are best set as situations present themselves. There is little use in establishing a rule and boundary for a problematic situation that might never occur.
The following guidelines for creating and using effective boundaries are adapted from Dr. Jane Bluestein’s The Parent’s Little Book of Lists. Dr. Bluestein is a nationally recognized expert in the use of boundaries, both by teachers and parents.
The Five Characteristics of a Good Boundary
Clarity
Effective positive boundaries are unambiguous, specific, and clearly communicated. They work best when you have the others’ attention, when they understand what you’re requesting, when the positive outcome of their cooperation is clear, and when specific requirements, conditions, or time factors are spelled out. Communicating a boundary immediately after some misbehavior might not be best. Chances are that both you and your child will be in an emotional state, a state that is not conducive to a calm, rational explanation of a boundary.
Win-Win
Boundaries respect and consider the needs of the parent and the child. They attempt to create ways for both you and your child to get what you want.
Proactivity
Boundaries work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse).
Positivity
Effective boundaries focus on the positive outcomes of following rules. They are expressed positively, as promises rather than threats.
Follow-Through
Follow-through allows a positive consequence to occur only when the other person does what you’ve asked. Follow-through builds trust because it shows children that you will honor your promises.
Eleven Reasons to Use Boundaries
Boundaries allow you to express your limits in a positive manner by also communicating the conditions or availability of certain privileges that your children desire.
Boundaries prevent conflict and build a cooperative relationship with children. They help you take care of your own needs while accommodating your children’s needs or desires.
Boundaries build a positive home environment. They emphasize pleasant outcomes available with cooperation.
Boundaries create less stress and fewer power struggles than threats and demands.
Boundaries are less likely to be received with an emotional, irrational reaction.
Boundaries build mutual consideration and respect. Children appreciate the fact that you have their needs and interests in mind.
Boundaries do not rely on the child’s fear of the parent’s emotional reaction (e.g., anger or disapproval) to help the parent get what he or she wants.
Boundaries allow positive and negative consequences to occur in a nonpunitive environment (negative consequences simply being the absence of positive consequences). So long as parents allow positive consequences to occur only when children have done their part, boundaries hold children accountable for their own behavior.
Boundaries with good parental follow-through can minimize children’s behaviors such as whining, begging, temper tantrums, or relying on excuses to get they want.
Boundaries leave the door open for children to change their behavior in order to get their needs met. While rules or threats emphasize the penalties for misbehavior, boundaries focus on the ability to make more-constructive choices.
Boundaries do not threaten emotional safety in relationships.
Setting boundaries is especially effective in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and respect, although the process can help create these qualities in an otherwise troubled relationship.
Nine Things to Remember When Setting a Boundary
Use boundaries to let your children know your limits and tolerances and to give children information they can use in making decisions.
Use past experience (and common sense) to take into account both your needs and your children’s needs when formulating a boundary.
Be clear and specific about what you’re asking for, what you would like, which options are available, or any other factors your child will need to know when making choices.
Communicate your boundary before there is a conflict, or before the conflict continues or reoccurs
.
State boundaries positively, as promises rather than threats.
Be prepared to follow through. If you’re not willing to withhold positive outcomes if the boundary is not honored, don’t bother setting the boundary in the first place.
Examine your attachment to particular outcomes. For example, if you are heavily invested in your child’s success in school, you’ll have a hard time following through on your decisions to allow your child to be responsible for getting her homework, lunch money, or permission slips to school on her own. Refrain from setting boundaries on which you will not be able to follow through.
Be careful not to make or accept excuses, give warnings, or let things slide “just this once.” This tells children that it’s okay to disrespect your boundaries. If you want to build in some flexibility, do so before there is a problem.
If your child was unable to complete his or her end of the bargain because the request or time limit was unreasonable, the instructions were not clear or understood, or he or she lacked the necessary skill or experience to do what you wanted, it was a bad boundary. This is not the same as making excuses for a capable individual who simply doesn’t come through. In this instance, back up and try again. Do not withhold positive outcomes at this time.
Following these guidelines will help you establish effective boundaries that recognize and respect your needs and your child’s needs. Good boundaries are the foundation for teaching children responsibility.
 |