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Lesson Five: You’ve Got to Have a Plan
Chapter 3
Positive Boundaries
“Boundaries allow us to think of consequences as the good things children get (or get to do) as the result of their cooperation, changing the prevailing connotation of the word consequence from negative to positive.”
—Dr. Jane Bluestein
In this chapter, you will learn why and how to use boundaries instead of relying on expectations or threatening negative consequences. Boundaries state the rule that needs to be followed and the positive consequences that will result from behavior in accord with the rules.
Boundaries provide the structure that children (and parents) need, but without the threat of punishment. Rules and negative consequences present a do-it-or-else proposition that is authoritarian and win-lose: the parents doing the winning, and the children are doing the losing.
Using boundaries just takes a simple shift in thinking. It is not “Do this, or else these bad things will happen to you." It is “Do this, and these good things will happen.” Instead of a threat of punishment, boundaries promise a positive outcome. This is win-win. Parents get their way because children stay within the boundaries. Children win because they get to enjoy the benefits that result from observing the boundaries.
There is a very different feeling for both parents and children when boundaries are used instead of punishment. The use of boundaries encourages cooperative behavior. The focus is positive. The use of negative consequences relies on the threat of punishment. The focus is negative.
You will find that being positive and using boundaries rather than threatening punishment with rules feels much better. It is a very different energy that is produced when people focus on positives rather than negatives. Parents who have shifted to this positive approach to discipline report a significant reduction in conflicts and power struggles with their children.
Boundaries are also proactive in that they attempt to prevent unwanted behavior but focus on wanted behavior. For a boundary to work, it must be communicated to the child. The positive outcome must also be described for the child. Note that both of these happen before the child chooses a behavior.
Some people might argue that using rules and punishments are proactive and preventative as well, so long as they are explained to children ahead of time. However, telling children rules and warning of punishments is still a threat. This approach still says, “Here are the rules. Follow them, or suffer the consequences."
The positive uses of boundaries feel much different. This approach says, “This is what I’d like you to do, and if you do it, these good things will happen.” Of course, if the child chooses not to stay within the boundary, the consequence is that he or she does not enjoy the reward.
To get a better idea of how rules and boundaries differ from rules and punishment, let’s look at two examples. In the first example, the parent relies on rules and punishments. In the second example, the parent presents rules and positive boundaries.
This situation may seem familiar to parents of toddlers. Martha (the parent) is having a problem with Frances (the four-year-old child). Every night, Martha tells Frances when it is time to come to dinner. And every night, Frances chooses to stay in her room until she decides it is time for dinner. Because Martha has to call Frances several times, this has become a nightly power struggle between Martha and her daughter. How should Martha handle this situation?
Option 1
Martha decides that she has had enough and that it is time to lay down the law with her stubborn four-year-old. She goes to Frances and tells her, “I am not going to put up with you coming to the dinner table late every night. That is just going to stop. If you do not come to dinner when I call you, I will take your food away."
Option 1 Summary
Parent’s desire: Child to come to dinner when called.
Consequence: If child does not choose to come on time, no dinner.
Focus: Negative (Come to dinner, or else you don’t eat).
Option 2
Martha wants to avoid the nightly power struggle, so she goes to Frances and tells her, “We will have dinner at the usual time, and we all hope that you will join us. But I am going to call you only once. If you come when I call you, your food will warm the way that you like it. If you choose not to come when I call, your food will get cold. When we are finished eating, your food will be put away.”
Option 2 Summary
Parent’s desire: Child to come to dinner when called.
Consequence: If child does not choose to come on time, no dinner.
Focus: Positive (Come to dinner when called, and enjoy warm food).
With both options, the parent’s desired behavior is the same, and the consequence is the same. The important difference is in how the desired behavior and consequence are presented to the child. In option 1, the focus is on the negative that will result. Martha says, “If you do not come to dinner when I call you, I will take your food away.” This is clearly a power statement and a threat (i.e., “If you do not do as I say, I will do something you won’t like").
With option 2, however, the focus is on the positive: The family hopes Frances will join them for dinner on time and enjoy a warm meal. Also, the consequence is simply stated as a fact, not as a threat of something the parent is going to do: “If you choose not to come when I call, your food will get cold. When we are finished eating, your food will be put away.” These differences are subtle, but the effect on the child is important. With option 2, the parent is communicating to the child, “You have control over your own behavior and the consequences that will result.” This is an essential lesson in teaching responsibility.
To summarize, let’s examine the ways in which boundaries differ from expectations:
Boundaries offer positive consequences, connecting the desired behavior with something the child wants. An expectation focuses on only what parents want.
The commitment to an expectation is one-sided, from the parent. A boundary is aimed at getting the child's commitment as well.
Expectations have a similar effect on children as threats. They connect the child’s behavior with your reaction to it: “I expect you to act this way” implies disappointment, anger, or punishment if your child doesn’t fulfill your expectation. Boundaries connect the child’s behavior to some outcome unrelated to your reaction. This puts less stress on the child-parent relationship.
In the next chapter, you will learn about the proper use of rules and positive boundaries.
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