Lesson Eleven Chapter 5

“I want my child to be otherwise.”
—Fictitious character created by slightly deranged college professor

Part of teaching children about independence and responsibility is to help them deal with what others think or say about them. The way this is accomplished is by helping your child develop a strong sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. An important part of this is trusting your child to make good decisions.

In her The Parent's Little Book of Lists, Dr. Jane Bluestein presents ten ways that parents can encourage their child's individuality. These are her suggestions:

Don’t compare her to anyone else, including yourself, her siblings, the neighbors, or other children her age.
Accept that he may like things that you don’t, and that he may hate things that you really value and like. Remember that these differences are among the many things that make him special.
Make a list of your child’s talents, preferences, and best attributes. Add to that profile whenever possible.
Difficult as it may be, drop your agenda for who (or what) you want the child to be (or become). Accept your child for who she is and was meant to be.
Examine your attachment to his appearance, interest, preferences, and goals. To what extent do you need him to look or be a certain way so that you feel competent as a parent or validated as a person? To what extent are you embarrassed by—or apologetic for—the choices he makes?
Encourage her attempts to explore her identity, even though it may seem to take her in some strange directions sometimes.
Quit worrying about what the neighbors (or your in-laws) are saying.
Let him select and wear his own clothes. (If he’s young or has a hard time making decisions, you may want to limit the choices to “either of these two sweaters” or “any T-shirt in this drawer.”)
Support and encourage her individual interests. Respect the fact that she might lose interest or change her mind as she explores different things.
Remember that today’s identity might soon be yesterday’s experiment.

Dr. Bluestein also adds this bit of advice: “Remember that your child needs and deserves love, acceptance, and respect regardless of what she does with her hair, who she wants to date, or which career she wishes to pursue. Minimize the need to act out for power or attention by allowing her to meet those needs in positive, healthy, and constructive ways."

Instilling self-confidence and self-esteem in children gives them the courage to think and act for themselves. Many times it is the little things that we do as parents that can have a lasting impact on our children. I am reminded of a story that a very successful surgeon and author told. He told of passing by a room and overhearing his father say something nice about him. He said that he realized later that that was probably one of the most powerful things that his father could have done for him. There he was, a little kid in the next room, and his father didn’t know he could hear him. He remembered thinking, “If you hear your parents say nice things about you when you’re not there, you know they must mean them.”

It is not only the big things but also the little, seemingly insignificant things that we do for our children that have a lasting effect on their life. What a wonderful opportunity we have as parents to help a child grow to become a confident, happy, and responsible person.