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Lesson Eleven: Problems and Independence
Chapter 4
Problems with Clothes
“Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.”
—Bill Cosby
A couple months ago, I volunteered to take my fifteen-year-old and his friend to the mall. As we were driving, I looked over at my son and noticed that he was still wearing his pajama pants. I was faced with somewhat of a dilemma. Did he know he still had his pajama pants on? He must have noticed when he was getting ready. Should I say something and embarrass him in front his friend? I was not sure what to do, so I did what most parents would have done in the same situation: I ignored the pajama pants. But when I got home, I couldn’t help asking my wife, “Did you know that our son was wearing his pajama pants to the mall?” She replied, “Yes, they are really comfortable, and he likes them. His friends think wearing pajama pants is cool.” I thought to myself, Boy am I out of it.
For children, clothes can be a statement of independence, an expression of who they are. Or, the choice of clothes could be motivated by peers and what they are wearing. Overall, no matter at what age, children’s taste in clothes is seldom in line with that of their parents.
We want our children to be independent and responsible. How does this work with clothes? The first step is to understand our own motivation. Why are we concerned about how our children dress? Are we concerned that they will be comfortable? Are we concerned that their clothes are neat and clean? Are we concerned that their dress is appropriate to the situation? Or are we concerned about what other people will say when they see how our children are dressed? It is the answer to this last question that causes many of the problems about clothes.
If we want to teach our children how to think for themselves, we should consider allowing them some say in how they dress. For a young child, what to wear might be the very first significant choice they have been allowed to make. Of course, you can retain some control over the situation by the choice of clothes that you offer the child. But as children grow older (and more conscious of their peers), choosing what to wear can become a big deal. Let’s look at a less complicated problem.
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The Problem
Pat’s mother has told him that he can choose the clothes that he wears each day. She thinks that giving him practice in making choices is valuable. This is fine with Pat. The problem is with his mom. She can’t stand the outfits that Pat chooses each day. Nothing ever matches, and sometimes he even goes into the dirty-clothes hamper for a special shirt or shorts.
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Rules and Outcomes
There are no rules or outcomes in place.
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Problem Analysis
The problem is not in Pat abusing his choices. The problem is that his mother’s fashion sense is quite a bit different from Pat’s.
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Solutions
One solution is to grin and bear it. If you decide to give your child an unrestricted choice, you have to be prepared to live with his or her decision. Another solution is to begin teaching Pat about clothes and why some clothes go better with others. His mom could start with which colors go best together. Then she could ask Pat which colors he likes. Another solution would be to limit Pat’s choices to start with. First, let Pat choose the shorts that he wants to wear that day, and the mom chooses the shirt. Then, as Pat begins to develop a taste in clothes (that is not too outlandish), his mom could take him shopping and let him make some choices that are within her budget.
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Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
To prevent problems, parents need to be careful with the choices they allow children to have. Once you give a child a choice, you have to live with his or her decision. Letting children have some say in what they wear is an excellent idea. Anytime that you can demonstrate to a child that he or she has some control over his or her own life, you are taking a positive step toward teaching responsibility.
While it is very tempting to intercede when you see your child wearing a pink top with orange and brown shorts, you should stop and think. Ask yourself, “Is there the possibility that someday my child might have to make a choice when I am not there to advise him?” How serious will the consequences be if you let her wear that outfit she chose? What are you gaining by interfering with your child's choice?
Because the choices of what to wear are seldom life threatening, and because your child does need to learn to make decisions, and because the consequences of a poor clothes choice are not harmful, then you should let the child have his or her choice.
If the child does get some negative reaction from others about his clothes, consider it a learning opportunity. Talk to him about his choice. How did he feel when someone made a remark about his clothes? What did he learn from the experience? If at all possible, don’t rescue children from a poor choice. Let them learn from experience.
By the way, when I picked my son up later that day, he was wearing more-conventional pants that he had borrowed from his friend. He had come to the conclusion, without my interference, that perhaps pajama pants were not the best choice when cruising the mall for girls.
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