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Lesson Eleven: Problems and Independence
Chapter 1
The Need for Independence
“The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.”
—Denis Waitley
In this lesson, we will examine discipline problems that arise out of children’s need for freedom and independence. These problems occur more frequently in the preteen and teenage years, but independence can be an issue at any age. (For example, try getting a two-year-old to do something when he is feeling his independent oats.)
Independence and responsibility are related. For example, a speaker asked a group of parents, “Do you want your children to be independent or responsible?” Most parents answered that they would like their children to be both responsible and independent. Then one parent stood up and dissented, “I want my children to be otherwise.” The speaker felt that the parent had every right to another opinion, but was curious, “If you want your children to be otherwise, then what would you like them to be?”
“Otherwise,” repeated the parent. The speaker asked, “You want me to be other than independent or responsible, right?”
"No," responded the parent, “Just otherwise.” The speaker, now feeling like he was being drawn into a comedy routine, asked again, “Okay, what do you mean by otherwise?” The parent answered, “I want my children to act wisely with others in mind. I want them to be independent, to act free from the influence of others. And I want them to be responsible, to act while respecting the rights and needs of others. I want them to act wisely with others in mind. I want them to be otherwise.”
How does one go about teaching children to be otherwise? Teaching children about independence and responsibility involves allowing them to learn from experience. This requires having a certain amount of faith in your children that they will make good decisions or, at least, learn from bad decisions.
In the previous lesson, I mentioned that I did some videotaping at a school in Truckee, California. One of the restaurants that my video crew and I visited there was the Squeeze Inn Restaurant. This quaint little establishment was all of ten feet wide. You had to walk sideways to get between the tables. You had to, well, squeeze in. Anyway, the establishment’s decor included various signs and sayings tacked to the walls. One of those sayings is appropriate here: “Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from poor judgment.”
That saying is a nice play on words, but I believe a truer statement would be, "Experience comes from judgment, good or bad." The way children learn about decisions is by making them. Children learn from both positive and negative outcomes. They learn that decisions bring about results and that they can control the results by the decisions they make.
Many parents believe that mistakes are bad; that mistakes should not be made; that mistakes, if made, should be hidden; and that if you make a mistake, you are a failure. These beliefs can be very damaging to children. Faced with the possibility of making “some horrible mistake,” children might choose to do nothing, to not try. Children who are overly afraid of making mistakes can easily become frustrated, discouraged, and even depressed.
Just as parents need to see discipline problems as opportunities for learning, children need to view mistakes in the same light. Making a mistake does not mean that you are a failure. To illustrate this point, Dr. Glasser tells the story of a man who sets out to go to San Diego. For whatever reason, this fellow doesn’t make it all the way there. But, as Dr. Glasser emphasizes, he did not fail San Diego; he just didn’t get there.
Parents need to teach their children that mistakes are a natural part of life; everyone makes them. And most people can be very forgiving when others admit their mistakes, apologize, and attempt to solve problems that the mistake caused. Effective teachers see mistakes on tests not as a reason to fail children, but as an indication of what they need to teach again.
How do you teach your children to be independent and responsible? You teach them these traits by allowing them to make choices, good and bad, and learn from their experience. You also encourage children to try again after making a mistake, by your own tolerance of others’ errors in judgment. If you laugh at someone’s mistake, or if you lose your temper and yell and scream, you are going to teach children to be wary of choices and responsibility.
Here is another chance for you to share some of your life experience with your children. Children love to hear about adults' most-embarrassing moments. Sharing your mistakes with your children and talking about what you learned from the experience is an excellent way to teach children about decision making. This is also a great way to build your relationship with your child. Children will appreciate the fact that you are trusting them with your so-called secrets. I have found talking with my children about my errors in judgment to be enjoyable, educational, and humbling. (Humbling, by the way, is good.)
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