Lesson Eight: Problems With Other Children

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Chapter 4

Fighting

“It is important to note that a child’s kicking, hitting, and spitting isn’t any different than the emotional outburst of an adult. There are times when adults would like to kick, hit, and spit, but they are wise enough to know this is socially unacceptable.”
—Dr. Don Fleming

As your child grows up, the meaning of the word fighting is likely to go through a number of changes. With younger children, fighting usually involves hitting, kicking, and biting. As children get older and their language skills improve, fighting turns into teasing, name-calling, and other forms of verbal combat. Then, when children reach their teens, many times fighting reverts to the physical form.

It is difficult to cover all of the forms of fighting in one chapter. I will suggest a number of ideas. You will have to use your own judgment as to which ideas are most appropriate for your child at his or her present age. (I have avoided assigning ages to any of the children in my hypothetical problems. I would rather that you imagine you and your child in the same situation, no matter what age your child happens to be.)

It is not pleasant seeing your child engage in a fight in which he or she might suffer hurt, rejection, or humiliation. However, this is also part of the growing-up experience and learning how to get along with others. When you see your child in a disagreement, your first instinct may be to rescue him from the situation, to get him out of harm's way. If there is a possibility of serious injury, you should follow that instinct. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to see if the child can find his way out of the situation. Even if children suffer some hurt in a fight, they usually get over it very quickly. It is a real mistake to think that you need to protect your child from all experiences that might be less than pleasant. Children need to learn to deal with all life experiences in a productive manner, experiences that are unpleasant as well as pleasant.

One of the reasons that dealing with fighting is difficult is because understanding why children choose to fight is not easy. Are children fighting just to have fun and entertain themselves? Are they fighting because they are bored, and fighting is something to do? Are they fighting a sibling because they think that their place in the family is threatened? Are they fighting because they were treated unfairly, and they are looking for justice? Are they fighting just because they are very angry and know no other way to act?
Let’s look at a specific situation about fighting and learn more abut how to solve this problem.

1. The Problem
   Andrea has a short temper. She loves playing outside with her friends. It is her most favorite thing to do. However, she has had some trouble fighting with her friends. Her parents have talked to her about other ways to deal with her anger, but it doesn’t seem to be working. On this particular day, Andrea was fighting with one of her friends. Her mother stopped the fight and asked Andrea to go to her room until she had time to speak with her.
   
   
2. Rules and Outcomes
   The rule in place is that Andrea can go out and play after school so long as she does not get into a fight. The positive outcome is that she can continue going out to play so long as she adheres to the no-fighting rule.
   
   
3. Problem Analysis
   Fighting is normally not a rational, conscious decision (unless the motivation is revenge). Therefore, children are not choosing to fight to satisfy one of their basic needs. Fighting is an emotional response to a problem. If there is a threat of physical harm, the self-defense response is automatic; fight, flight, or freeze are the only options. Andrea has so far been unable to override her emotions and handle her problems thoughtfully. It is the parents’ job to help her explore some new options.
   
   
4. Solutions
   Andrea’s parents need to help her explore other ways of dealing with her anger. It would be best if they brainstormed ideas with her. Her parents should listen to her problem and her suggested solutions. They should be empathetic without trying to rescue her and solve her problems for her. If she has trouble coming up with alternative behaviors, her parents should suggest some, such as expressing her feelings with statements like “I don’t like it when you call me names, so don't do that.” They should acknowledge Andrea’s hurt feelings without saying something like “I know how you feel.” Chances are that Andrea’s reaction to that statement will be by thinking, “Oh no you don’t.” If they haven't done so already, they should offer walking away from a fight as an option. Once an alternative way of dealing with anger is agreed upon, the parents should, if appropriate, have Andrea practice what she is going to do or say next time. If Andrea suggests not seeing a particular friend for a while as a way of avoiding fighting, her parents should listen to her. She may have very sound reasons for suggesting this.
   

As far as the rule and outcome, there is no reason to change them. The rule can remain the same: no fighting. The positive outcome can remain the same as well: Andrea can continue going out to play so long as she does not fight.

Her parents should also express their confidence to Andrea in her ability to handle the situation. Finally, they should say that they are going to let Andrea try this new plan. If it doesn’t work, they will try something else. The emphasis remains on solving the problem, on teaching Andrea how to deal with her anger, and not on punishing inappropriate behavior.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   Perhaps the most important action parents can take to prevent their children from fighting is by modeling. When children see their parents fight, they are likely to adopt that same way of solving problems. If, on the other hand, children see their parents control their anger and avoid physical confrontations, the children are likely to choose that same type of behavior. Modeling is a very powerful teaching tool.

It is also a good idea for parents to talk with children about problem solving. This would be a good time for them to share some of their own experiences. Explain how they have felt angry. Explain how they felt during a fight and after a fight. It is always a good idea to let children know that it is okay to have feelings. However, children must be taught that feelings do not determine actions. Feelings tell us whether what is happening is good or bad. Then, it is our job to use our brains to decide how to act. You cannot tell children too often that they are in control of their own behavior. They may not believe you at first, but as they gain experience with choices and consequences, they will learn that they can be in control.

Finally, never use violence to stop violence. Don’t hit a child to stop him or her from hitting someone else. When you hit children, you teach them that hitting is an acceptable way to solve a problem. When you model violent, hurtful behavior, you can expect your child to mirror that same type of behavior back to you.

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