Lesson Eight: Problems With Other Children

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Chapter 3

Being a Poor Sport

“I can't deny the fact that you like me! You like me!”
—Sally Field (on winning an Oscar as best actress of 1984 for her role in Places in the Heart

Why is it that sportsmanship is such a problem for some children? One answer is suggested by Sally Field’s comments when she won the Oscar. “You like me!” she exclaimed. For her, winning meant more to her than just being recognized for her acting achievement. It meant that she had gained the acceptance and affection of her peers.

When we teach our children that our love and admiration are conditional (e.g., on winning), they come to believe that their worth as a person is dependent on their ability to please others. When this degree of importance is placed on accomplishment or winning, poor sportsmanship and an inability to handle losing are the result.

Children who are poor sports have adopted the belief “I belong, I am accepted, and I am loved only if I am the best.” This need-to-be-the-best attitude can often be seen in an oldest or only child. This feeling is encouraged by parents who praise only the winner, who compare children to others, or who are overly competitive themselves.

With five children, I have had more than my share of baseball, softball, football, basketball, and soccer games. I know how important winning can be for children. This is especially true if parents are at the games. Children want parents to be proud of them, and they know that if they win, they will get praise and recognition. Unfortunately, for some children, if they lose, they receive criticism, disappointment, and even anger from overzealous parents.

To learn more about how to help children deal with winning and losing, let’s look at a problem that involves sportsmanship:

1. The Problem
   Matt cannot stand losing. It doesn’t matter what sport it happens to be. If he loses a game, he comes off the field in a foul mood, usually muttering under his breath something like, “We should have won” or “The ref’s calls really stunk” or “My team stunk.” He is then in a bad mood for the rest of the day.
   
   
2. Rules and Outcomes
   Rules aren’t appropriate here. You really can’t have a rule that says, “Don’t feel bad when you lose.”
   
   
3. Problem Analysis
   Matt’s need for power and his need for love and belonging are important to consider. He wants to win, to achieve, to gain power, and that is natural and normal. However, he has come to equate how he feels about himself with winning and losing.
   
   
4. Solutions
   The solution lies in helping Matt realize that he is loved for who he is and that this love is not conditional on his being a winner all of the time.

First, there are some things that the parents should definitely not do. They should not overwhelm Matt with praise when he wins and then withhold that praise if he loses.

Also, the parents should not try to fool Matt by giving him false or insincere praise. If Matt played an absolutely terrible game, he probably knows it better than anyone. Telling him what a good job he did in this circumstance is not going to help. Here it is best to stick with the old adage “If you can’t find anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” The parents should wait for a better opportunity to build Matt’s feeling of self-worth.

Some child-development experts recommend talking with the child after losing a game, to help him deal with his feelings. They suggest question such as “What did you enjoy about the game?" and "How do you feel about your part in the game?” Of course, there is no use attempting to talk with a child who is in an emotional state after a tough loss. This is not the time to try to reason with a child.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   To prevent an overemphasis on winning, do not protect children. Allow them to experience the disappointment of losing, without interference. It is important that they learn that disappointment is a part of life; the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat go hand in hand. When playing games with your child, do not always lose on purpose. This gives your child the false illusion that they can always win. When you win some of the games, it allows your child to experience losing in a nonthreatening environment. You make the environment safe by acknowledging your child's bad feeling when he or she loses. Your child needs to learn that it is okay to feel bad when you lose. It is a normal feeling, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Again, modeling can be an effective way to teach. A way that parents can model good sportsmanship is with their behavior on the sidelines. I shudder to think of the number of times I have heard parents yelling critical comments at their own children, not to mention at the referee and the other team. This type of irresponsible behavior teaches children that being a bad sport is acceptable and that winning at any cost should be the goal of any sport. When parents control their emotions, compliment good plays, and ignore the bad ones, they teach children that it is how they play the game that counts and that losing, although unpleasant, is okay.

You can also talk with children about sportsmanship. Talk with them about what it means to be a good sport. How does a good sport make other people feel? Why is it okay to lose? If you are overly competitive, admit this to your child. Talk to him or her about your feelings and how you are working to do a better job at being a good sport.

Coaches also can have a tremendous impact on how children view winning or losing. I remember one of my children’s coaches particularly well. He was coaching my daughter's Little League softball team. It was one of those incredible seasons where everything went right for those ten- and eleven-year-old girls. They lost only one game. But after every game, he had the girls gather in center field to talk about the game. Of course, he began by congratulating the girls on a game well played. Then he asked the girls, “What did you learn today?” No matter how well they had played, the girls had no trouble on naming things they had learned. It was an interesting technique, one that I had not seen before nor have I seen since. It helped keep winning in perspective. Yes, winning was important, but how the girls played the game was important, too. Happily, this coach found a way of teaching this to his team.

Finally, I am reminded of another coach my son had. This was his chess team coach (yes, chess) in grade school. Kids of this age can be very sensitive to winning and losing. This coach was very aware of this. His way of preventing problems was to tell the kids, “There is no such thing as winning or losing; there is only winning or learning.” Well said.

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