Lesson Eight: Problems With Other Children

<–Back | Forward–>

Chapter 2

To Share or Not to Share

“Sharing is sometimes more demanding than giving."
—Mary Bateson

While we are on the subject of sharing, let’s continue to examine that particular problem. Sharing is another skill that is learned. No one is born into this world knowing how to share his or her most-prized possessions with someone else. It is easy to expect sharing before a child is old enough to learn how to do it. But while children’s possessiveness is natural, it is not something that parents should ignore. Learning to share is a very valuable social skill that will become more important when children get to be school age.

To more closely examine the problem of refusing to share, let’s return to the example of Danielle and her father.

1. The Problem
   Danielle is fighting over a toy with her younger brother, Jason.
   
   
2. Rules and Outcomes
   The only rule in place is that Danielle needs to share her toys when playing with her brother in the living room. The outcome is negative: If she doesn’t share, she gets a time-out.
   
   
3. Problem Analysis
   The need to have some things that you can call your very own is part of the need for power. Children want control over their own life and over their own things. The need for love and belonging can also come into play, especially if it involves a younger sibling. Danielle might be thinking, “Okay, Jason, I have had it. Not only do you get all of Mom’s and Dad’s attention, but now you want my toys too. Well, that is not going to happen!” So, in looking for a solution, Danielle's father needs to keep in mind his daughter's need to have her own possessions and her need for his attention.
   
   
4. Solutions
   Let’s say that Danielle has gone to her room and has been there for ten minutes or so. She is having trouble thinking of a solution to the problem. Her father decides to go to her room to see if he can help, and the following scene takes place:

FATHER: Danielle, have you thought of a way to share your toys with your brother?
DANIELLE: No.
FATHER: Okay, let me see if I can help you. Okay?
DANIELLE: Yeah.
FATHER: First of all, you know that Jason is only two, and he doesn’t know that he should ask you if he wants to play with one of your toys.
DANIELLE: Yeah, but it is still mine. And he’s going to break it.
FATHER: That’s right. It is yours.
DANIELLE: But whenever I want to play with it, he wants it too.
FATHER: Well, you know that your brother takes a nap right after lunch. Could you wait and play with your toy then?
DANIELLE: I guess.
FATHER: Okay, that is a good plan. Here is your toy. Put it away until after lunch.
In this example, the father had to suggest a solution to his daughter. This is all right so long as Danielle agrees to the plan. This approach is appropriate when your child is dealing with a younger sibling and there is the chance that the toy will be damaged. If her brother were older, the following solution might be more appropriate:
FATHER: Danielle, have you thought of a way to share your toy with your brother?
DANIELLE: No.
FATHER: Okay, let me see if I can help you. Okay?
DANIELLE: Yeah.
FATHER: I talked with Jason, and I reminded him that he needs to ask you if he wants to play with one of your toys.
DANIELLE: Yeah, but it is still mine.
FATHER: That’s right. It is yours.
DANIELLE: But whenever I want to play with it, he wants it too.
FATHER: Could you share it?
DANIELLE: I guess so if he doesn’t have it too long.
FATHER: What if he plays with it for fifteen minutes?
DANIELLE: That’s too long. I want it, too.
FATHER: Okay, how long can he play with it?
DANIELLE: Six minutes.
FATHER: Okay, six minutes. That means you each get to play with it for six minutes. Then the toy goes back into your room. Right?
DANIELLE: Okay.
FATHER: That is a good plan, and to make sure it is fair, I’ll give you the kitchen timer. You can set it for six minutes. Is that okay?
DANIELLE: I guess.
FATHER: Let’s give it a try. If this doesn’t work, you come and tell me, and we’ll try something else. Okay?
DANIELLE: Okay.
This approach is interesting because it not only deals with the problem of sharing but also teaches Danielle about getting along with others and about negotiating. The focus is not on the problem; the focus is on finding a solution.

5. Proactivity: Preventing Future Problems
   It is important that children be allowed to have some toys or objects that are strictly their own (e.g., a blanket). It is easier for children to learn to share some things if they don’t have to share everything. Help your child find a special shelf or box to keep those possessions that he or she does not want to share.

Let your child know the reason for sharing. If the child is in a day care or school situation, explain that sharing is necessary because there are not enough toys and equipment for every child to have his or her very own. You can also explain why it is important to share in the family setting, where it is impractical (and too expensive) to have one of everything for everyone.

A good way to begin teaching about sharing is to show your children how to be respectful of other children’s toys. Teach them to ask if it is okay for them to play with or borrow someone else’s toys. You can also teach this by modeling. When you are playing with your child, ask him if you can play with one of his toys. It is also helpful to let children know that they are not the only ones who are expected to share. For instance, how is sharing part of your life? Talk with your child about how you borrow something from a neighbor or share something of yours with a friend.

Learning to share is a developmental task and can take place only once children reach some degree of maturity. It is probably not a good idea to attempt to teach children about sharing until they are about three years old. This varies from child to child. However, with the proper teaching and support, by the time your child is four, he or she should be willing to share without being reminded.

<–Back | Forward–>