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Lesson Eight: Problems With Other Children
Chapter 1
The Right Use of Time Out
“One of the most popular discipline methods used by parents is some kind of isolation or time-out. Time-out can be an encouraging and empowering experience for children instead of punitive and humiliating.”
—Dr. Jane Nelson
In this lesson, I will deal with a number of problems that children have in getting along with each other. I will suggest steps that you can take that will stop the inappropriate behavior and that will teach something about appropriate, responsible behavior. One of the strategies that I will suggest is a form of time-out that I call a teaching time-out. Using a time-out to teach a lesson about responsible behavior can be a very effective way of dealing with discipline problems.
However, as with most tools, time-out can be used properly and improperly. I believe that time-out is used improperly when it is meant solely as a punishment and not as an opportunity to teach. You will find many discipline experts who advocate the use of time-out as a form of punishment. Most of them describe their use of time-out as nonpunitive, but simply calling it such does not make it so. My philosophy is if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, there is a very good chance that it is a duck. (I told you that I liked duck stories.)
First, let’s look at what I believe is the improper use of time-out. I am opposed to this form of time-out; therefore, I will rely on the writing of one of its proponents so that I do not misstate their position. I will use the time-out description that Dr. Todd Cartmell provides in his book The Parenting Survival Guide. By the way, I agree with many of the things Dr. Cartmell has to say about discipline; I just happen to disagree with him when it comes to time-out.
Dr. Cartmell has this to say about his version of time-out: “When used correctly, Time-out is an effective tool for children between the ages of two and twelve. Its effectiveness lies in pairing negative behavior with the immediate removal of all sources of positive reinforcement for a set period of time. For this reason, the actual Time-out spot is very important, as it needs to be a location that is very unreinforcing for your child. This is why a bedroom is often an ineffective Time-out spot, as there are so many positively reinforcing items that your child can look at or play with. Three criteria for a good Time-out spot are that it should be boring, safe, and easy for you to monitor. Once your child has chosen a Time-out, administer the Time-out in a calm and matter-of-fact manner. I recommend starting with three minutes and adding one additional minute for each instance of inappropriate Time-out behavior. For children two and three years of age, you can reduce the time segments slightly. If Time-out lasts beyond thirty minutes [due to the child misbehaving while in Time-out], then bring Time-out to an end by informing your child that Time-out is over and that she has earned the loss of a daily privilege for not appropriately completing her Time-out” (24-25).
Pardon the length of the diversion, but I wanted to be sure that I correctly represented this view of time-out. More information about this type of time-out can be found in books by Lee Canter (Assertive Discipline) and Dr. Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara Unell (Discipline Without Spanking).
While this use of time-out is certainly better than spanking the child, it is totally focused on the unwanted behavior and does nothing to teach the child about responsible behavior. Also, in my opinion, this use of time-out is merely a veiled form of punishment (a duck in disguise). If punishment can be defined as "providing a painful or unpleasant experience for misbehavior," this form of time-out qualifies as punishment.
Also, this punitive form of time-out can easily get out of hand and be abused to the point that it becomes very harmful to the child. I have heard of parents who send young children to their room for hours because of a minor infraction. Others send children to dark closets or make them stand in a corner until they are ready to collapse. When time-out becomes an excuse for severe emotional or physical punishment, it is most definitely wrong. Effective discipline is supposed to help children, not hurt them.
This is an example of a punitive time-out:
(The father walks into the living room, to find Danielle fighting over a toy with her younger brother, Jason. Jason is screaming.)
FATHER: Danielle, what is going on?
DANIELLE: He took it. It’s mine.
FATHER: I told you that if you want to bring your toys into the living room, you have to be willing to share them with Jason.
DANIELLE: But he took it and won’t give it back. (Tries to grab the toy back from Jason)
FATHER: Danielle, stop it!
DANIELLE: It’s mine!
FATHER: Okay, that’s it. You have chosen a time-out. Go to your room for seven minutes. I’ll set the timer. Now go to your room.
Let’s analyze that situation. This particular use of time-out is not all bad. There was no corporal punishment involved. The father seems to have some rules in place: Danielle can play in the living room if she does so quietly and shares her toys with others. If Danielle chooses not to share, she gets a time-out. The rule, however, is focused on a negative outcome for misbehavior rather than a positive outcome for appropriate behavior. Also, the consequence of being sent to her room for seven minutes does not teach Danielle anything about sharing. The father also makes a point of saying that with her misbehavior, Danielle has chosen a time-out. However, the fact that Danielle has chosen a time-out doesn’t make it appropriate. What if the consequence were a spanking rather than time-out? Pointing out that she chose spanking would not make the spanking an acceptable form of discipline.
Now let’s look at the use of the teaching time-out. To better understand how this type of time-out works, let’s return to the football analogy. When coaches call for a time-out, what is their purpose? Is it to punish the team? No. Time-out is called to come up with a new plan. The coach is calling time-out because whatever the team was doing wasn’t working, and it is time to try something else. So, the coach uses a time-out to give the team some new direction, to teach. Parents can use time-outs the same way. To illustrate, let’s return to the example of Danielle and her father, but this time with a teaching time-out.
FATHER: Danielle, what is going on?
DANIELLE: He took it. It’s mine.
FATHER: I told you that if you want to bring your toys into the living room, you have to be willing to share them with Jason.
DANIELLE: But he took it and won’t give it back. (Tries to grab the toy back from Jason)
FATHER: Danielle, stop it!
DANIELLE: It’s mine!
FATHER: (Taking the toy) Okay, I am going to take this now. I want you to go to your room and calm down and think of a way that both you and your brother can share this toy. When you have a plan, come and tell me. I’ll check on you in a few minutes if you are still in your room, and I'll help you find a way to share if you can’t think of one. Now go to your room.
At first glance, this use of time-out looks very much like the previous one (except this one doesn’t waddle or quack). The difference is in the reason why Danielle is being sent to her room. With the teaching time-out, she is being sent there to find a solution to the problem herself. The length of time she is in her room is up to her. If she can think of a solution in thirty seconds, she is out. Also, the father offers to help her find a solution if she cannot think of one on her own. The total focus of this time-out is on teaching Danielle that she has control over her own behavior. This is a positive, nonpunitive, and productive use of time-out.
If you have been using time-out as a punitive solution, don’t fret about it. It will not cause any irreparable harm, and it is much preferable to spanking. If you wish to continue using time-outs, I strongly recommend that you switch to the teaching time-outs. If you ever have a question about whether or not you are handling a discipline problem properly, simply ask yourself if your objective is to punish or to teach.
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